saturday morning shopping.

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as a kid we picked up sticks and screwed up our noses like ninja turtles. and wore bibs with our toy friends just so to remind ourselves of the days of the week. structure, what structure, all i knew was the next moment where my heart would leap and dance and flash on a roller-coaster drive. speaking of drives how about those that stretched on for the whole night deep and black i would close my eyes and hope in fear that my heart would stay open because i felt it falling and floating with every inch of tar that slid under our feet. and those steps we climbed with food in green and red boxes that clicked in tandem with surprise. those boxes of love even though we'd fed on things uneternal. and down the stairs little me my smile betraying emotion from a child a special swell. how often it is about stuffing our faces but in a way wholly connected with dignity, community and love. time fills the gaps the ebbs and flows of this beating heart. and sitting under tutored breath i don't know why but that sudden wandering thought that far transports out of time and space. i'll say it. i miss the steam that curls around my heart as i eat lam's noodle with you under disco dim.

just had another strange dream of indignation and infuriation. i was in the lift and this guy said two please or something (ah, i know now! that was the library lift with five floors haha! but tis strange coz the setting was a hdb estate). and i didnt hear so he raised his voice rudely, and i turned back to scold him. but all i saw was his grandmother and she spoke with a tremor in fluent english, hey but that's my grandson you're speaking about.. and i had to appease her and explain my fury at the same time, and i ushered her out of the lift with a smile and a goodnight and i was pleased to see her return a smile. then my mum turned to me and said i am amazed at how you've stood up, really proud of you. and how well you handled the grandmother as well. (hahahaha) but as we opened the doorway to our shanty flat (dream-fiction of course) she started saying look i know how alcohol has made you bolder and all but there must be restraint. and i was like gulp how did she know i drank overseas? in a way this dream is strange coz of the repeated motif of personal indignation and vocal defence. i think the last time was the egg tart incident, and my concern was with justice as in this instance. maybe God is telling me to SPEAK UP for the oppressed, for those who have no voice. big hmm.

finally settled on my easter holiday! and this time am travellin with a good 'ol close pal and friends: claire, denise (don't know her yet, but i will!), diona and godwin (don't know him yet but i will!). to the land of mythic provence-- why mythic? well, i reckon that sec2 compulsory reading of peter mayle's book a year in provence has fed the fantasies of countless rgs gals-- hhaa. we'll be making our base at aix-en-provence. and hopefully be able to explore the lubernon region from there, including st remy-- van gogh place...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. (whispered shout; seldom does this blog go beyond a whispered shout right) i can already see pictures taken even before i've boarded the easyjet toyplane :) ..of fields of lavender (hopefully they will be lavender), unique windows and doorways in rustic glow, tasty truffles, juicy orchard picks, mossy fountain springs in shady boulevards and the smell of provencal sunshine.

while waiting for the bus i see a couple stumbling down the dirt-caked path. he plods slightly ahead of her, but she hangs back combing her hair. she stops in front of her imaginary mirror and smooths white strand after strand on a wispy afternoon. the silent wind blows, and you feel she could blow away too. c'mon love, his bones creak with a backward glance. her skirt swishes please wait we've got to look okay right honey, and you, and you too. she's almost by his side now and his right hand grasps a little black comb and he runs it through, through his soft white crop, all that has sprouted in his blooming years. and i think i see them combing together, stroke upon tender stroke, preparing each strand to shine and fall into its place so that they can smile and say hello and know that it is all alright. is it the doctors they are seeing or a friend round the corner i don't know. all i know is that my little heart is moaning into a swell and my hands are curling a torn plastic bus pass around a matching blue phone in my jeans pocket, and the bus it has just arrived.

my university tutors have decided to go on strike. interestingly enough, it's for two days only. and we've been told that no classes will take place for that particular module. so here we have curly haired brainy guy behind wiry specs leaning over with the straightest face, telling us so. we hide our smiles in bursting hearts. and i secretly wondered who else in the room chose to go on strike. i'm apathetic when it comes to top-up fees, and i have this sneaking suspicion that my coursemates stand for no furious protest. we go for classes according to our internal mechanism, and if tutor shows up we will too, so much for collaborative strike action. and no matter what module tutor thinks, his students just couldnt be bothered!!

i was walking out of library building today and then i looked around. i felt myself to know that i was not dreaming but alive. i am a university student. hit by such a thought on a breezy cold day. years ago in my brown pinafore with that little button badge, with the letters h-p-p-s forming a conveniently symmetrical logo. i would look to my left and see the older ones and wish that i was in their place. older and stronger. so p2 longings turned to p4 dreams and when i reached p6 it seemed that there was nothing more to the left. but then i reached sec 1 and the sec 4s looked so old. so beautiful when so old. and turning back for new year visits we would see how we were such brats. little ones in the hall. hop-skotch and standing broad jumps. so anyway today i can't believe how far i've come. i mean uni people are really really old, they are the ones who take the bus as if it were the car. who sit by window books in arm, staring lazily and far. but more than that, such strange men, and women. with brown hair and blue eyes, white skin and red dyes. i am a university student.. sitting in classes, you're old enough to learn to doubt. but that was always in me anyway. i've always struggled in this area and what's the point of hiding it anymore. i am a christian. but i do doubt. i always wonder that i don't actually have fool-proof proof that God is real, that Jesus is alive and that heaven is my home. but i still believe. i so desperately do want to. and it's a choice of conviction rather than the hundred percent conviction itself. well from what we learnt, many many people died long ago in the age of reason and many die afresh on altars of denial. if you cannot see do you still believe. i know people have said that religion is not about rational evidence anyway. but then again people also always say that christians don't leave their brains at the door. i've turned to christian defence books, explaining the coherence and evidence for the faith. but i've always found a shadow of doubt in assorted corners, and the shadow haunts me still. well today we sat in the green door room with the door left open again. i think the history professor wants his whole department to know that he is conducting a poetry class, something different, classy! anyway, we were doing tennyson. in memoriam. in his protracted elegy (which i reckon would be much better had it been shorter) he struggles with God, death and challenges to his faith (alas, the age of reason). i'll be the first to admit that i don't get all of the poem, let alone tennyson.. but he's touched me with his private wrestling because i identify. and so i asked in the subdued class, erm.. so was tennyson a christian when he died? professor was like a sort of christian. he referred us to a poem which tennyson wanted as his epitaph and the tail-marker of all his poems. it's called crossing the bar.

Sunset and evening star, And one clear call for me! And may there be no moaning of the bar, When I put out to sea, But such a tide as moving seems asleep, Too full for sound and foam, When that which drew from out the boundless deep Turns again home. Twilight and evening bell, And after that the dark! And may there be no sadness of farewell, When I embark; For though from out our bourne of Time and Place The flood may bear me far, I hope to see my Pilot face to face When I have crossed the bar. so i'm a sort of christian if He will take me so. and i hope to let you know when i have crossed the bar.

really thank God for His provision. the beautiful home i blogged about a few days ago is as good as ours now! we got the house through plu (university accomodation scheme) thanks to no one reserving it over the reservation weekend (just imagine my compulsive frenzied clicking over that 48 hour period!) and to peter (my present welsh housemate) joining us. now we have a little problem to work out among ourselves. how to divide up the rent fairly. three good-sized rooms and one tiny ship cabin. it's 7.28 sq metres, but that doesnt tell the story, oh no. of course all idea of fairness is entirely arbitrary, but ideally it should be satisfying enough to everyone in the house. racked my brain and the net for ideas. and chanced upon an interesting but hard to apply solution, because of my lack of deftness in math. rental harmony: sperner's lemma in fair division. in an ideal world, everyone sacrifices for each other. but that's not possible because of basic human selfishness, and if everyone sacrifices, who would be available to gain from the sacrifice? the university prices the rooms as 1 x 50pounds, 3 x 52 per week. i calculated by square metre and it came up to be as follows for the different rooms: 38 (pigeon hole); 47; 55; 65 (dining hall converted room). but of course that wouldnt do. so i moderated it according to my internal click: 45; 52; 54; 55. it's slightly worryin that i'm sounding like scrooge. i really don't mean it, but just want a sigh.. fair.. solution. obviously we need to sort it out as a group, but just wonderin if anyone's got a take on it. and this is just one of the world's little dilemmas.

fractured clock says twenty past and the red space starts to swell with life. the little toggling eyes where are we lets see where are we yes and the accompanying ridged forehead. everyone trying to make sense of the moment, their moment, but this they do not know. single lady -who smiles like a steward- dashes up she's just emerged from her own hurricane and her ticket's a panting one. two minutes do i have time for the toilet she asks. yes they are just below and she turns to go. but no i think i'll endure it her face pleads for grace. i look at her ticket and say i think you have time to go it is just below. her eyebrows smile in gratitude and she spins back into her hurricane. she's the last one in, holds me a wet sobbing ticket yes i see that though i havent really seen all i see is that streak drop of water fresh from a hurried handwash. phil's hands do the magic sign like the opposite of abracadabra and i nod and pull the doors in, always a relief to know they fit, one of them over the other in that same order, the door is closed, for now. and these are the little aching moments i experience, by door d.

it takes a fire to scatter the priviledged remains of plastic jewels, flames that consume and tame the restless heart. because with the fire comes water, and of the purest kind, that leaves the deepest watermark of the tender and the lasting. sweet river roll all over me, spark fire burn, come and set me free.

jesus you're all i need, you're all i need, lord you gave yourself so i could live, you are all i need for you purchased my salvation, and wiped away my fears, now i drink your living water, and i'll never thirst again for you alone are holy, i'll worship at your feet, and you o lord are so worthy, and reign forevermore jesus you're all i need, you're all i need, lord you gave yourself so i could live, you are all i need.

yesterday i skipped a seminar to go house-hunting. 60 allesley road. the facade was a tad promising, with bamboo blinds across the windows. and when the agent came rolling along, late, as i usually am, it marked a visit i won't quickly forget. mum, if you are reading this you will know that dream houses do exist, outside my home shores, even in my short twenty years of reality. i stepped in and my heart was whispering i could die i could die. superlatives are underrated, shouting is understated. we could still smell the fresh scent of pine, as i plopped down on an ikeaish two seater sofa. we've probably never walked so briskly into town before as we devoured each moment of bliss. so can you imagine how crestfallen we were when told that the landlady couldnt wait anymore and had JUST signed a contract with warwick accomodation to rent it to the university, now the legal tenant-landlords. it's not impossible for us to get the place, but all guarantee's now lost. perhaps whether or not we move in there aint relevant anymore. and perhaps we had to experience that just so to see, through eternal eyes, the beautiful and the fleeting.

here's my obsession with personality checks.. check out THE FOUR HUMORS. i'm mel-phleg, et vous?

what a day. played my first footy match this term with warwick 2nds.. and my, were we getting thrashed! not just by our opponents, but also by the minus something wind and rain. had to leave early for french so i only played one half. i couldnt even feel my legs anymore; wouldnt have known i still had them if not for the fact that i was moving across the field inch by inch, in spite of being bent back by the wind. after a short while, my team-mates came in from the field decked in snowflakes and frozen in nike shorts. yes, the game had to be abandoned as soon as the snow showers started, to our immense relief of course. but twas cool walking out to main campus, and passing by the snow-drenched green we were insanely running on a few moments ago. what a memorable term two footy debut. trotted to class like a black dalmatian, my coat declaring the glory of winter. shivered through two hours of francais, before skating up the packed bus that practically crawled for the entire journey, wheels on ice. as for the cars parked along the road, the difference between a beetle and a cheapo engine was covered over by wintry sheets, both enigmatically reduced to lazarus in the tomb. so it's on a day like this with basic needs crying to be met that you feel especially human. and we especially the same. for we're all yearning for home that ain't far away.. on a snowy slow ride.

truth is relative they all say which itself is a relative statement so don't shoot yourself too hard that way. how many blinks behind oval glasses before we realise that we all curl our smiles under dinner garb. the fork this way the spoon soup-out the napkin one triangle we try to make pointed at corners. well at least some of us. and it's perfect, how we've mastered our game of eyeball fodder and happy cliches. of how's the weather and scripted chatter. and silence buzzes so you kill it with words. it's so perfect that we can't ditch the towel and spill the soup as much as we'd like to. but slowly yes, eyelash upon eyelash, sigh upon sigh, we get past the dinner, and oh my. well i'm learning to be keen and mean.. at least that's what i'd like to believe. but don't come near if you can't handle the truth, coz that's what i tend to speak nowadays.

who's the sugar puff monster? look no further. it is the girl who runs out in light fleece jacket against the braying wind, running sideways against the chill, her eyes drawn like magnet to the costcutter cereal corner. and upon finding none there, pops into the popping cork and prays for it to be there among all the cereal boxes strewn on gray. but it is not. and so her frenzy carries her further into the night on the limp of a sprint. and before she can boast of her fruitless endeavours in a sugar puff famine, she's gleefully swept up the yellow monster box at broomfield newsagent. any idiot can face a crisis; it's this day-to-day living that wears you out.--anton chekov

this has got to be one of the most beautiful songs i've heard in ages: the ice is thin enough for walking.. the rope is worn enough to climb.. my throat is dry enough for talkin'.. the world is crumblin' but i know why.. the world is crumblin' but i know why.. the storm is wild enough for sailing.. the bridge is weak enough to cross.. this body frail enough for fighting.. i'm home enough to know i'm lost.. home enough to know i'm lost.. it's just enough to be strong, in the broken places, in the broken places..it's just enough to be strong.. should the world rely on faith tonight.. the land unfit enough for planting.. barren enough to conceive.. poor enough to gain the treasure.. enough a cynic to believe.. enough a cynic to believe.. confused enough to know direction.. the sun eclipsed enough to shine.. be still enough to finally tremble.. and see enough to know i'm blind.. and see enough to know i'm blind.. should the world rely on faith tonight. --jars of clay

this is the very thing we loathe, to have people clamber over us, around us, forces that hem us in, pain that stings. and when the day comes slowly imperceptibly there shall be a mighty reckoning. the sand shall fly and blind our eyes as the sun descends on blue and on a lonely plain in a world that breaks the wind will bend our backs, but many are then made strong.. at the broken places.

in two days i've watched two shows about living to die for one's beliefs. antigone what made you stone what made you groan who was it that moved your hands heap upon heap sand upon sand while the dead wind moaned in the sleepy field of dawn. was it love that set you free or drove you mad to the fateful end of your unflowered life. you said you loved him no wait you didnt. you said you didnt want to understand you just wanted to do what was right, for his honour and your own. for all that mattered was that it was right for you and that blinding blaze that scorched your soul made you forget what you would know-- that a burial done is good enough but it will be undone and even your death cannot stop it. and do you know you've killed someone too. but then you say you truly live, even if it's in one day, one torrid peeling day, where love, self-love congeals into a bloody pool. and creon's greasy sweat and servile breath in swarmish thebish air is but the start of a painfully slow death, for now, he is neither living nor dying. at least you rest. __ you chose life over death, to gasp to pant to hold eternity in one breath. no more her voice saying come my son, or his hand that welcomes as the day is done, but only the solace of an invisible home and its master upon the cross upon the throne. and some time ago, no we havent blotted that out and nothing will, a young girl called joan. of arc they say, it helps to specify. what did she die for when she died for france and me she made the sacrifice so that we could all be free. i believe we will answer each to heaven for the way we spend this priceless liberty. what did he die for when he died for me.

tuesday crazyday turned good. when i pray a prayer for strength, why am i then surprised that i am not tired? by His grace, my brain lived well and flowered decently through three seminars and one lecture and that is a lot for an english student you must understand. we did walt whitman today and oops i think i was too effusive in praise while criticising him for being too effusive himself. the inherent paradox of being perhaps. am really thankful to God for helping me do well in the first assessed essay for european theatre. it was unbelievably good-- well according to her anyway-- and it's unmistakably Grace.

monday. newday. feels like a recovery from the first bad week of listless doubting fluish dopiness and i am raving again. today i missed the bus, and thus the first half of my only class. but today you found me-- you sat next to me, unknowingly. you must have forgotten by now, but just for twelve and a bit, i had the greatest pleasure of having you by my side, exchanging smiles and words and breaths and thoughts. and so i was breezing into class with half a grin. i finally disciplined my lazy bones to make it for training, first in ages. was rather lazy in the game, but its a start to even make it. and one goal aint too bad i suppose. had a proper chat with becs over curry dinner (specially mild for her) and andrew peterson draftiness in my angled chair and soft-lit room about who we are and where we're going. dreams and goals, life and peace, poetry and praise, maths and craze, ship and house, field and film, guilt and sleep, tears and love.

so you've sung your song, it is brave, it is bold, it is admirable, but were you too proud in your humility and was your heartache not a psuedo swell? forgive my cynicism, my neck creaks at great verse. as i write it is not night, it is not light but what grows in this living enclave is a portending swell called faith, and from the first line of surrender it is unalterable, untranslatable, eternal.

i've just put in an application to stay on campus next year and tocil-first year memories-is my first choice. no more running for the bus and speeding up at the bend. sure look forward to scrambling out of bed 15 mins before class. it's kinda cool coz i wanted to stay with eliza and coursemates and eliza told me she wanted to stay together too. it's not totally cool coz for coursemates, we might not end up together as this application thing came so early and one had already decided and another chose a different accomodation as first choice. well i actually told some people i would like living off campus, back in my cozy room (saves all the hassle!) but the landlord's visit sealed the deal for me. one shower for seven people, no no. he says we can only use the bath upstairs, even when the leaky tiles have been replaced. well that was the final straw. and not even oh-so-lovely-sleepy-eyed-peachy-glow-in-the-morning-curtains can make me stay. the most beautiful feeling in the world is the aching deep that whispers in your heart's chambers that life is more than this.

song in the shower, in the waters that wash my day away. you're my light when the darkness starts to fall you're my hope my peace beyond the storm you're my Rock when desert rain starts to pour you're my joy, you're my purpose you're my song so i'll sing hallelujah hallelu- my dear jesus i can't live without you i'll dance in the waters and splash in the rain soak in your healing love o love that keeps me sane you're my Light when the darkness starts to fall

first day of school: a blizzard. yes, that's what i said to ruth (who did indeed look like she had come in from a storm) when she stepped into a lift. my, i have this outrageous knack of speaking like that in the midst of strangers to show how above it all i am. like when we overshot our stop and i said loudly on the bus so that all could hear, 'fantastic! that's what reading on the bus does to you.' for all i've been learning about making time, taking time out for pple coz that's a primary reason why we were created (purpose-driven life. heh.)-- to walk in His love. well, how do u practically apply it when you step into a whirlwind-- the fast-paced action movie that the start of spring term is? said hi to sarah and i thought i saw her head hanging through the door! she was like how-are-you and i was like good-thanks and we both thought we should stop to talk but we were facing opposite directions with her neck strangely twisted and it felt too strange to untwist it so we went our own ways. actually it was because i was rushing. and now i have to choose housemates and decide between on or off campus accomodation. how very exciting and confusing.

went shopping in bicester village (branded shopping outlets at warehouse prices) today, thanks to jireh's parents who drove us down. picked up the brown jacket i've been hunting for at united colours of benetton.. not bad, half-price reduction on it, though it's got one small tear. remember mum asking my why i liked holey stuff, and well i guess the tear was a little bonus that fitted the rugged streetwear look, so.. oh and tsin zhen came from oxford to meet me, how sweet.. pity we had such a short time together, well hope to see her in happening warwick soon! i had a crepe, egg and ham. goody. but it wasnt as nice as the one in cologne. but there are no pigeons in bicester!! and v clean too. after dinner with jireh's parents, i spent some time reading and slumming on the arts centre couch before heading to work. bright young things (punctured with ironic wit but in contrast to its source of adaptation-- waugh's vile bodies-- it's quite a thin and sloppy spoiler) and i actually felt guilty today for giving people my hamster smile. the i'm-so-tired-but-i-will-try-smiling kinda spread-out smile. school is starting in two days and i am trying to deal with a disturbing sense of joylessness and a lack of excitement.

there's this flying black whisker which has been busily but also purposelessly buzzin round in my room for the past week. harmful no, irritating yes. today it flew by while i was reading my book in bed and i made a quick grab for it. and i clenched my fist for about thirty seconds, that's about how long it takes for a little creature to go without air? but upon unfolding my fingers.. nothing. nothing but the triple imprint of fingernail marks. and lines etched long ago in the grip of love.

what a surprise today when i tumbled out of bed to discover that 1st lot express (kodak store in singapore) had mailed me all my prints! i thought it was supposed to go to my home in hillview. and they actually put S$8.70 worth of stamps just to mail these little pieces of aspiration to the biggest house in earlsdon! i didnt know whether to be grateful or worried about paying extra fees-- though then again S$8.70 is a far cry from 8.70 pounds. but then to my horror, i found that almost all my sepia prints were reduced to monochrome.. and it's just NOT the same!! grrr. the previous time i tried printing sepia, it came out near perfect. but ah, that was at a different branch. well i guess i'll have to feed on black and white inspiration for now. ta. oh and nowadays, my alarm clock has taken on a slightly different function, and perhaps one that everyone's long-familiar with. i set it to 9.30am after having a late late night but that's because this clock is special! it only wakes you up two hours after it rings, and it only does so when you pat and coo it by switching if off when it yelps. oh i forgot to mention that it has a partner too-- the callers are changing all the time though.

You are Psalms.

Which book of the Bible are you?
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is it possible to be best friends with one you've never seen. or soulmates with one you don't know. but whom you found on the meandering way to an overdue lunch on the 3-for-2 bait. it is a silent thrill to realise that the daily visions which have swelled your heart, someone's dreamt them too, and watered them until they grew into the textures and shapes that have filled your wakefulness and coronary air-spaces. never mind the fact that it's a dreamer turned booker prize contender. the heart of the matter is that someone knows and has spoken of remarkable things in one sustained breath. of the beautiful mundane i've always seen and wish to one day film and words they collide in a space neither fully yours nor mine. another space, another time, a mother. after making breakfast and fitting a little red bag into the blue bin she turns on the machine. her heart hums. and her thoughts have long drifted to a land far away. each hard click's a punch of love and now she smilingly remembers the laughter- remember all's fair and square- of techie motions and kitchen crackers. i don't know how she does it, but she clicks on a link abandoned and old because that is the only one she knows. her eyes, they caress each ripening hue of digital beams, and soak in what aspiration's fingered and Love has made. and this all-time morning love leaves its footprints on the dusty ground, and touchingly, cruelly, under a name that's not its own.

i've been working at the arts centre quite a bit lately, especially for 'a christmas carol'. others have far surpassed me, watching it at least 10 times by now! gulp. to save myself from the realms of jadedness i take delight in the details. starting with the entry. of railing-clinging grannies who've lived through more christmases than christmas shows i've watched. perky ticket-brandishing youngsters who want to be treated as adults. 'fellow human beings on the shared passage of life'-alas my mirror!- going through reflex actions not so very mundane after all. well at least not from where i stand. yes, by door d i am the casually leaning poet of the world-- my heart doth soar! and by every turn, your piercing beauty and magic smile. (and to think all i could ask of you at the end of the day was money!) but what could be new eh to watch the show again. to the wee stories' credit, it's a sparkling, upbeat performance, topped with unusual musical flair (harmonisation, handbells, monkey-guitar, violin). and upon each viewing, i grow to appreciate the tightness and intricacies of the family-show script more and more. as well as the crafty staging and scene changes-- to see through the shadows and the switches. but by far the most powerful experience is the curtain-bourne. who isnt happy upon witnessing scrooge's desperate delight in realising he's not 'dead as a doornail' and that 'it's chrrristmas day! it's chrrristmas day!'?-- his unspurned second chance that a dream and dickens give. and as soft orange falls on all once held by a darkened theatre lost in the bleak midwinter, it is a christmas gift enough to re-walk the red carpet and with each step reclaim the grand opportunity of Life itself.

'hello, may i speak to jen please?... jennnnnnnnnnnnnnn!' what way to start the day-- call from a happy yelpy sister, composed dearie cousin jessica and a just-awake brother. and then mum whom i couldnt hear at first. couldnt talk much at all but yes, we were very much together in the spirit. we had such a wonderful time in church today, singing christmas songs of praise but the highlight was the fellowship meal. some folks from church so so kindly cooked a good 'ol traditional three-course christmas meal for us.. students plus pple who would otherwise be alone on christmas day. i can't even begin to describe how awkwardly beautiful it is to be seated among strangers, joined by occasion and by Love. got to meet mrs h who was quiet but confident and bob, a chelsea fan! and we had an amicable discussion on our teams and he didnt dispute the fact that scholesy is a gem. and had a lovely conversation with sweet heather about childhood and romantic relationships. and she actually asked me 'so are u courting anyone?' and i was like.. pardon??! twice! haha.. guess coz it's such an old word for a timeless act. then we fed our smiles with chicken soup and bread and butter roll, turkey and crisp stuffing (that bore great resemblance to last night's dinner) and to top it off, had christmas raisin pudding with dairy cream. ooo. then while we were talking about roald dahl a lady from the next table suddenly stood up and said 'shall i share a poem with you all? my mother learnt this at school seventy years ago. it's called a noble boy.' oh i got a parachute alien man in my christmas cracker! well chuffed. and after the lovely exchange of contact numbers and keep-in-touches (did i promise complimentary tix for heather and bev for arts centre shows?!) we plodded home on empty roads. and out of the blue a punk said merry christmas to us in the warmest, most refined way. it took us a while to respond but it didnt take us long finding our own target to meet and greet. he was just across the road. beautiful things happen at christmas.

quasimodo died because he sang in too high a key.

:: a christmas story :: as a child I�ve always been fascinated with bright lights and watching the townsparkle while gazing out of a hotel window on the 17th floor. the angel-crowned tree trembles under children�s footsteps and laughter while swooning couples sigh under mistletoe. but the night so full of history and wonder also pours itself out on the darkened pavement, the lonely hut, the boy and girl covered in sun-kissed snow. the christmas turkey, bows and ribbons, the million circles of bursting presents�they�d speak if they had a voice. they�d speak of One beyond if the world would hushly listen. stardust falls on a little creature whose eyes glisten in the wake of love�a love so ancient yet freshly born.. and the manger song is still sung and strong. while santa suffers from mass reproduction on christmas cards and tea towels, the season�s touchstone is caught in his rose-red cheeks and whitened glove, reflecting Heaven�s veins that pound with blood and hearts warmed by His love. :: a christmas song :: Underneath the stars Just a simple man and wife Somewhere in the dark His words cut the silent night Take my hand, for the child That you carry is God's own And though it seems the road is long (Chorus) We're not that far from Bethlehem Here all our hope and joy begins For in our arms we'll cherish him We're not that far, not that far from Bethlehem Let us celebrate As the Christmases go by Learn to live our days With our hearts near to the child Ever drawn, ever close To the only love that lasts And though 2000 years have passed (2nd Chorus) We're not that far from Bethlehem Where all our hope and joy began For when our hearts still cherish him We're not that far, not that far from Bethlehem

*burp* you gotta excuse me.. just had a really great christmas meal, home-cooked!! we had crepes with roast pork and butter-applejuice-brushed turkey and two variations of mash potato. oh, and crepes with vanilla ice-cream and chocolate sauce and bananas... looks like i don't have to go to france or germany for crepes anymore! ;) kinda perfected the recipe for it, after stuffing ourselves with crepe the night before. they say we should set up a crepe business.. hmm, fine idea and high turnover? ahh.. christmas is just 21 minutes away.. and here i am sucking vitamin C. the christmas star shines once a year and then it fades away keep the spirit in your heart, it's christmas everyday!!

see what sad love songs do to you on the shortest day of the year. is it too much to admit that i've never been in love but now want to be but actually i think i'm more in danger of being in love with love itself (i know it coz marriage is faraway from my wanted list and no one has yet appeared) or maybe that was infatuation full-blown always a clever disguise for the real thing it is funny isnt it and you really wonder if you'll experience it. loneliness stings. just seems like life isnt complete o i sound so selfish here i know and am i not dealing in charming lies. but i think i have loved a bit with a love pursued that would have come at too high a cost and i'm left guessing will i ever know. i think what i'm craving is a fierce love someone to love me passionately and tell me and show me and show me again and for me to be able to do the same. i miss home. but on this heavy night mercy heals. and christmas isnt christmas isnt christmas until i'm reminded that it's all about One who crossed between worlds. that it's all about Desperate Love that paid the highest cost. to meet the deepest needs of the emptiest hearts fashioned by Love to ache for Love which only Love can fill.

don't forget to breathe

rushdie's novel is interesting but finding it so hard to mantain my concentration-- this alone is proof. anyway! kate winslet's great! she's got a very very decent voice too! check out 'what if'.. from this christmas carol soundtrack. Here I stand alone With this weight upon my heart And it will not go away In my head I keep on looking back Right back to the start Wondering what it was that made you change Well I tried But I had to draw the line And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind What if I had never let you go Would you be the man I used to know If I'd stayed If you'd tried If we could only turn back time But I guess we'll never know Many roads to take Some to joy Some to heart-ache Anyone can lose their way And if I said that we could turn it back Right back to the start Would you take the chance and make the change Do you think how it would have been sometimes Do you pray that I'd never left your side What if I had never let you go Would you be the man I used to know If I'd stayed If you'd tried If we could only turn back time But I guess we'll never know If only we could turn the hands of time If I could take you back would you still be mine 'Cos I tried But I had to draw the line And still this question keep on spinning in my mind What if I had never let you go Would you be the man I used to know What if I had never walked away 'Cos I still love you more than I can say If I'd stayed If you'd tried If we could only turn back time But I guess we'll never know We'll never know kate's voice is light and airy at this closing line; it makes my heart sink and soar.. but i guess we'll never know

two new photo logs. black n white and the colour of things. erm, thank you for your support.

guys! i've found a more decent photo sharing tool. check out my photo page and time stood still and apologies for lack of description. well, like they say, a picture's worth a thousand words.

back from cologne! i can never spell it right.. but it's right this time aint it? anyway, its called ko- two little dots on top- ln in germanspeak. laziness means not giving you all the details but suffice to say i got more than i bargained for! when sally and i met ellen at cologne-bonn airport her cheeks were bursting with rosy glow-- was it the blossoming of love or the cold? i dunno. same blue jacket but hair longer. no embraces, just rekindled happiness. her room's a nice and cosy pad, small but almost entirely self-sufficient. a hob and fridge in your room! woohoo. we supped on ellen's home-made thin half-dipped choc cookies and peppermint tea under moonshine and three-plated spotlight. peppermint tea is strangely intoxicating and sleep-inducing. so sally slithered into her slug-bed, and ellen kindly offered me her bed for the first night while she took my sleeping bag. and in the next three days over free tram rides, sausages and crepes and belgian waffles-- soft and crisp and melty, snippets of the bundesliga, walking along the Rhine, visits to the modern art, sports and chocolate museums, christmas market scents and sights, a game of motely-crew international fussball , under air-brushed skies and grace-strewn foamy clouds, we spoke of pride and prejudice, sense and sensibility, deviations from englishspeak-- pidgin, singlish.., cultural differences, creation and the existence of God and heatedly debated the death penalty, jolting more than one nerve on a shaky tram. it was also good to meet benny, ellen's nigerian boyfriend and find out that he's a christian too! and about crepes, God is so good. i had a crepe-craving early in december but eliza didnt bring some home from paris.. but the ones i had in germany are oh-s0-good and cheaper still! on the last day we shopped and strangely enough -things don't get any stranger?- i dragged my friends into h&m and zara and there's this priceless scene of sally and ellen carrying my shopping bag, cap and coat. blue. i like blue. so i got meself a baby blue beanie and a greyie-blue sweater. three days pass in a flash when you're having fun. your life passes in a flash when u're dead and gone. change tone. it was a rewarding trip with friendships renewed, new-found friends like benny (also met this italian girl at cov coach station and a flurried ten minute exchange led to her giving me her email and we'll meet up sometime hopefully), culture downed like espresso or guzzled like warm beer and more sepia memories to fill empty sleeves (warning to potential travelmates: i like to wander behind snapping away so invite me at your own risk or capacity for indulgence. i wanted to take this picture of the three of us by the rhine..oh you know the whole symbolism of water as spaces of connection in this greenish-blue sphere, and emblematic of lifesource and human connectedness, apt in our tripartite nation context. but sally and ellen walked too quickly ahead and i lingered; the rhine was left behind and so there's no photo to show.) but it's always nice coming back to a soft bed and christmas cards no matter how much fun you've had away.. from home.

why do we go to the movies? perhaps i'm asking this coz i've seen so many films in as many days/weeks..dweeks. le cercle rouge, jour de fete, spellbound, amelie, mr and mrs iyer, spirited away.. or perhaps what i really mean is. how have watching films to do with our eternal good? you can quit reading if you want to know the answer, truth is i'm not entirely sure myself. but my conjecture is as follows. films are a form of escape. escape, not escapism. an escape from the mundane roll of life, but an escape that is incomplete and thankfully so. because the best thing is a dialogue. you know you're not exactly in another world when your bladder demands to be pleased, when you catch a table-lamp shaped silhouette that is another person's head. film is a form malleable and shared. it's your granny sitting you down with her spadish fan, recounting remembrances. or your best friend telling you a secret..and as she whispers you realise it's a secret you always knew but never said. or a good old bumblin' detective who bumps into answers along the way. a film is like a 'looking glass' in which you see yourself and the whole of humanity. it doesnt matter if it's set in never-never land or the surburbs of london. as i was saying, possibly the best thing that could come out of a film is a dialogue. emotions fade as do memories, but inspired action shakes the here and now and echoes in eternity. the walk out from the cinema to the darkened street finds your limbs swathed in a filmic layer, and the world takes on a magical celluloid blur.. well, at least that's how it always seems to me. this short-term displacement doesnt last long though, primarily coz no one sees the way you do. but if courage, faith, love is not merely thought or praised but actually lived what a difference that would be. ya reckon, ya reckon? film also makes the heart ache in terror, pathos and beauty. and if that doesnt already plumb the depths of humanity and its God-shaped hole. it's the plugging that needs good work. and would the God who made the world and 'saw that it was good' deny His creation the act of appraisal. to enjoy creation's creation and all that is good. you, my discerning reader, would have realised that this is more than about the value of cinema. it's to do with sculpting, painting, theatre, writing, blogging.. art. some chap out there has a decent answer but for now this is what the condensed circuit of my brain can offer.

where has all the time gone to. feels like it has been sucked stealthily from da universe. u wake up and do stuff, what very little i dunno, and then it's time to switch off the bed lights again. hmmph. the uncanny mystery of being.

you know a cereal is really good when you've finished the round with milk and you can't help but keep the cereal rain going *crunch curnch crunch crn! * and you realise the 425g box is almost gone with only one milk round. gulp. not to be left out, the floor-monster gets his fair share of the helpings too. i am really down to my last; it won't make another milk round. huh, the box just burped! well if you wanna know, it's TESCO :: honey nut with cranberries. honey nut corn flakes with delicious YOGHURT flavour corn flakes, cranberries and almonds. fortified with vitamins and iron.

a lil bit of andrew peterson magic leaves its residue on my songful soul: i wish i could drive my own car i wish i could play the guitar and do you know who i really am when i'm just a man i'm just a man when the evenin' star begins to fade and the morning beams just start to wake and i've forgot what i held on to when 'm held by you, held by you and when i've paid my final dues and close my eyes to dream of you how good it is to be close to you and to know you're real, to know you're real and all the things i've asked you for they silently hang outside my door and things alone don't count no more when i see you when i see you.

they say curiosity kills the cat.. is it because the cat was greedy or 'cause he grew tired of the rat? like the man who shrugs off his latest lady, like my inquiry into one more cd.. materiality's a deadly sheen as the plastic wears thin and we go chasing electric dreams and so it will be till a distant day comes.. after the last tear falls.

just received my "birthday parcel" from singapore thru' weebeng's dad who's here on conference cum surveillance trip. poured thru' all those sweet notes of love from home. thank u guys so much!! :) everyone's entry was so them..made me laugh and greatly warmed my heart! the words of encouragement are too much to bear at the moment, oh i am so grateful for you. yep, you. thanks brother, sister, father, mother, aunt, uncle, cousin and friend. tender celtic instruments and soft lights..love and thunder..food and health.. memories and laughter under a different sky. you picked the bag, stuffed in it all that makes me full, and sealed it with love so old yet freshly new. though i know that skies may turn to grey, and there's always another essay, and though there's so much out there that can toss you upside down, sitting here i'm homeward bound. this love is good enough, is good enough.

it's been a hectic yet lovely day-- thank God for good conversations and why is it i keep on having lunch with coursemates nowadays, impromptu! gettin to hang out more and feel closer to them so thats cool, Lord be glorified in and thru all. i love mushroom korma, it still lingers on my tastebud. finished my essay and finally let it go even though there's so much that could be improved. sometimes i really feel i'm not smart enough and i'm supposed to be a scholar!? haha! but.. but.. but He loves me anyway! funny how i see things so clearly and i feel that kinda impinges on my ability to grasp literary complexities.. but maybe, maybe it's better this way? sometimes it's so muddled up that truth itself is obscured? well, as in there IS depth in simplicity too.. just go back to the cross. (i can still taste mushroom korma) His strength is made perfect in my weakness, i still need to hear it. God sure has a way of bringing a song into your heart just when you most need to hear it. chanced upon this new josh groban song which you should really get a listen to. out of this world. lyrics as follows... U raise me up to more than i can be. wow. thought of the night: be consumed not with deadlines, but be consumed by God, our lifeline!

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary; When troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then, I am still and wait here in the silence, Until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up� To more than I can be. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up� To more than I can be. There is no life � no life without its hunger; Each restless heart beats so imperfectly; But when you come and I am filled with wonder, Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up� To more than I can be. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up� To more than I can be.

"goodnight shmee, don't let the bedbugs kill me."

wahey saturday!: the theatre of dreams

you can't wait to hear about my theatre of dreams escapade. getting there was potential disaster but staying in your seat and trusting in God is good enough. had this feeling that it was the first time for many people too as the red army marched on the cordoned road like a protest parade. i guess it could have been lonely seeing how everyone was with someone else. and contrary to popular belief you don't feel united even as you sing there's only one united. where i sat my softness was loud. rovers fans made their presence known, as i've been forewarned about away fans, they always do. it's really quite funny, some people sit peacefully as if they were watching thought-provoking drama. that's not entirely a complaint though, for i'd prefer that to a few people f-ing away every other moment. i was somewhere between the theatre-goer and the civilised supporter. united fans ever so occasionally raise the decibels, i condemn myself. but when they did it was take me home united road sung like take me home country road. great moment when the announcer declared today's crowd a ground-breaking attendance in premiership history (nice to be making history) and some bits of the crowd started pointing to the rovers fans with the taunting echo of sell all your tickets! sell all your tickets! kleberson really impressed today, alongside an enthusiastic and speedy david bellion, who's showing so much promise at a tender age. quinton fortune completed the trio of unsung heroes (hopefully not from this point on) with mesmerising skills. and there was ronaldo.. what has that boy from portugal got in his feet? so bendy and dexterous and well deserving of the crowd's cheers. what's really weird and slightly frustrating about a live game though (besides the crowd having to generate its own energy with the absence of the commentator's quivering voice) is that after every sublime moment you're expecting an instant replay.. o no, in real life you don't actually get an exact replay. so was it a dream? yea it definitely felt quite surreal in the opening stages, especially when i saw gary neville. no... your fantasy materialising before my eyes! no sight of scholes though, sob!! what used to seperate us, that plasma layer evaporating into a hazy hallowed turf, it is alluringly gorgeous. every human experience you dream of is overrated though, that tough earthly law kicks in almost always. only on the other side of the curtain is all expectation surpassed. God willing, i will go on dreaming, and in the dreaming truly live.

life.. is a dream-- calderon.

i shouldnt be blogging now, oh but let's make this quick. the bar or the restaurant? the restaurant's cheaper, bah! chips and custard bright and yellow and very yummy-looking too. mine? green. some pastel green minty sauce on washed leaves and speckled green naan with lamb. everyone's eating something different, and we both feel the same. only four people speak you say. (five actually, excluding her) and we feel too stupified into making comments. how is it like for me? how is it like for you! i mean selvon is one thing it would be nice to actually hear from someone with the experience..oh, third generation generality. oh, thanks. am i sighing like the moor? tell me tell me, it's still unfinished. something else is unfinished. my dream.. to make a film. drama, no not another documentary and not comedy-- the world's got its fair share of funny(wo)men. cool. yours? to write! a novel! do we all dream of that secretly unless asked! so if i take the course will you too? we can laugh at each other or find solace if tears should fall, only kidding. i'm quoting shaprio: "it's your intellectual journey that counts.." ooo, time's up. last words: it was really nice sitting down for a meal. couldnt bring myself to say: it was nice sitting down with you. maybe that didnt all make sense, but like i said, i'd make it quick.

unconventional blog entry to follow, go figure. twas really quite nice today and its like especially nice when you don't expect it to be so nice. i don't think i've ever spoken to so many coursemates in one day, as in not just hi-bye sort. a real feeling of solidarity, no, friendship. oh and actually i've never said hi-bye to so many coursemates in a day too, which is nice considering how few his u can experience even among acquaintances. and then i found out that if u make the effort to be friendly, no not an effort really u know just an off-da-cuff moment thing which paid off. cathia from germany really warmed up to me and grabbed me by the shoulder after seminar, wow. and if i hadnt stumbled forth haltingly it might well just be empty eyes and unconnected smiles. almost fell asleep during seminar, though it was an interesting one..but i hadnt finished reading and couldnt engage as well. resolved some doubts about the essay but have yet to plunge into a final and official (what nonsense) start. yet i know it will be done, and it will be done as well as it could have been done. and hopefully it wouldnt haunt me while i stand in the red sea of frolicking fans come saturday. and just recovered from a short spell of nostalgia, as jierong blasted some sentimental chinese friendship song. mind flies back to primary school singing for old folks home and trying to negotiate the right pitch which still happens incidentally.. back to hwa chong singing bonding time lalala.. and that is why i will cherish who i am. for all i've been through that a few years in another land cannot displace or eradicate. my roots sink deeper than i think.

valley views: points from today's sermon lots of chrisitans say they want to live a victorious christian life-- you can't be victorious without first having a battle. the wilderness experience..God uses it to humble us, test us (WHAT IS MADE FOR USE NEEDS FIRST TO BE TESTED) and to know our hearts. that's deut 8:1-10. you don't set up camp in the valley, you walk thru' it. each step by faith, and keeping faithful. though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i fear no evil.. with the very experience the devil wants to tear us down with, God wants to build us up! step into the wilderness full of the spirit and come out in its power! (luke 4:1 & 14)

My writing and English is not as good, to write such a short note I really have to spend some effort just like water dripping to a cup and it is not like you or ma ma which is like pouring water to a cup. thank you for tenderly breaking my heart, for the water sweet to drink.. i see the chains unwrestled, Man, thou art free.

currently nursing a cough that's hugely disturbing so i'm skipping today's classes-- a seminar i don't particularly fancy and 2 hours of french. hmm. just wanna groan about how it feels to have other stuff i wanna read lying on my bedside table, besides all the readings assigned for classes..hhaa. for such a time as this.. tells the story of queen esther and challenges us to apply it to our lives, that we may continually grow to be women of identity, passion, purity and purpose. whoa, jen is reading a chick flick. hmmph. been quite good so far. thanks to aunt fish for recommending this and i would recommend you to read it too..or if u're anywhere near me, do nick it when i'm done! out of the saltshaker.. picked this up at cu bookstore. evangelism as a way of life; how to tackle different worldviews. practical and encouraging. the lantern and the looking-glass.. finally! a book about literature and the christian belief-- looks pretty promising and packs a c.s.lewis punch. the making of pride and prejudice.. woo hoo, it's finally come thru' amazon.. all about the tv script, filming process, english garden houses, costumes, wigs, food, music, dancing, interviews with jennifer ehle and colin firth..o you know, all the trivial stuff. :) oh, and three essays to go.

gasp! i got tix for united vs city! 13th dec.. see how the blackburn one goes first. might pass the city one to another ardent fan.

tennis wta masters who could have read the script for the henin-myskina match in the culminating event of the year? with justine's swank and swagger strangely dissapaited, myskina capatilised well to race to an unbelievable 5-0 lead in the first set. then it became apparent why we werent seeing the usual henin aggression-- trainer and doctor came on court, stetoscope, blood pressure pump and a pill were put to use. and if one thought justine's comeback against capriati was phenomenal, a straight seven game win (to win the first set 7-5) is some food for thought. but we were left as bewildered as the exasperated myskina for the tennis was at one moment sublime, the next horrific. beaut-ifc tennis? you could be forgiven for thinking this was an amateur event, except this was the masters. myskina's pace was explosive but several justine drop shots fell faster than the time it takes you to say anastasia myskina, leaving the latter to whip the ground and swear in russian. the sprightly myskina was more than a match for a weakened henin though, and gamely clinched the next set 7-5 to set up the critical third in an arena trembling with nerves, not least compounded by the protesting vibration of a punished racquet. but as the game wore on, her allezs turned into my hallelujahs and you would watch just to catch juju's victory smile. for all the backhand strokes that lost their rhythm and trademark precision, one thing was never missing-- the big fighter heart in a little girl. oh, and did i mention that martina hingis graced the occassion, albeit in disguise.. as a punkrocker! the former master sat alone with frizzy locks and a cap-- such a poignant sight. never to play a match again, unable to face the crowd.

it's amazing how errornous phone billing (double the incidence!) can get you in a morning (ok, midday) fix. and you struggle to speak in measured tones while suppressing a tide of anger at the injustice of it all. and after all is said and done, you are only left to hope that the phone bills will be settled justly. but while venturing out in pyjamas and slippers along the lane of houses that look all-the-same You speak of how we've all fallen short. and it ain't really a matter of justifying my anger but relinquishing bitterness and releasing forgiveness. thankful for the breather, thankful that You spoke. green milk, for all its worth, never tasted so good. i pray U'll be our eyes and watch us where we go.. and help us to be wise in times when we don't know.. let this be our prayer as we go our way.. lead us to a place, guide us with Your grace.. to a place where we'll be safe.. i pray we'll find your light.. and hold it in our hearts.. when stars go out each night..oooohooooo.. let this be our prayer.. when shadows fill our day.. lead us to a place, guide us with Your grace.. give us faith so we'll be saved..

with the dense volume of popping sounds threatening the night air you might well think we're in a war zone. smoke and shoelaces hang over the well-trodden lane. and mr. moon hides his beaming face, cowering before the razzle dazzle or is he grimacing in boredom.. who knows. perhaps it is time shops adopt the creative solution of healing. and why not when money spent on the assorted 50-piece set of firecrackers and rockets could go to helping some bomb victims? or to resurrect a village from its mournful ashes and set some high among the princes..

you know what's my greatest fear? staying the same. caught in the shackles of yesterday, rooted to the status quo, drying up in the wasteland of mere mantainence. i'm afraid of it happening to my football or has it been happening already, since long ago? some might think i'm a good player but i'm not sure how my improvement curve looks.. considering how long i've been playing. i'm afraid of it happening to my studies. coz that means the government shouldnt be forking out tax-payers money etc for my three years abroad. (ok, i'm exaggerating) alas fear.. and where does that lead to? and what's the cure, or counter-action? not to rest on the laurels of yesterday. to give it my all each time. to actively try. to prayerfully cry. faith, hope and love. He will get me thru.

praise the Lord. the postal strikes have ended. canto alla vita is playing in the background.

josh sang this gorgeous don mclean song about vincent van gogh, based on his painting 'starry night' (click for brilliant exposition/devotional): Vincent (Starry, starry night)
Starry, starry night. Paint your palette blue and grey, Look out on a summer's day, With eyes that know the darkness in my soul. Shadows on the hills, Sketch the trees and the daffodils, Catch the breeze and the winter chills, In colors on the snowy linen land. Now I understand what you tried to say to me, How you suffered for your sanity, How you tried to set them free. They would not listen, they did not know how. Perhaps they'll listen now. Starry, starry night. Flaming flowers that brightly blaze, Swirling clouds in violet haze, Reflect in Vincent's eyes of China blue. Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain, Weathered faces lined in pain, Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand. Now I understand what you tried to say to me, How you suffered for your sanity, How you tried to set them free. They would not listen, they did not know how. Perhaps they'll listen now. For they could not love you, But still your love was true. And when no hope was left in sight On that starry, starry night, You took your life, as lovers often do. But I could have told you, Vincent, This world was never meant for one As beautiful as you. Starry, starry night. Portraits hung in empty halls, Frameless head on nameless walls, With eyes that watch the world and can't forget. Like the strangers that you've met, The ragged men in the ragged clothes, The silver thorn of bloody rose, Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow. Now I think I know what you tried to say to me, How you suffered for your sanity, How you tried to set them free. They would not listen, they're not listening still. Perhaps they never will.

it's been such a long time since i've posted.. no inspiration. and it's not even true that i'm particularly inspired today. i saw haddassah today. u remember that cute gal from church i was raving about? her full cheeks looked slightly deflated and she made more noise than usual.. advance from baby speak, but still a cute squeak! :) but was quite sad coz when i went up to her and said hi she actually scowled. but maybe that's coz i was disturbing her from watching her cartoon. oh wellz.. some of you would have known my latest craze about josh groban-- skinny guy with one-heck of a voice! am still waiting for his cd to arrive.. i got the cd/dvd one already. all thanks to postal strikes... why o why o why must this go on, prayin that things will be settled soon.. so that i can get a hold of my joshie cd plus the making of pride n prejudice coffee table book i ordered thru amazon.. and so that ten million pieces of mail don't start overflowin' into the streets.

i would like to introduce you to my housemates! had this urge to tell you about them last night but it was too late and i thought it'd be best that i slept earlier to wake up for church. but you know what, i actually overslept.. it was 10.30am when i woke up (church starts at 10.45am thereabouts) and i was lying in bed debating if i should go for the evening service instead. but thank God indeed for the invention of daylight saving time! i checked my phone and read a text reminding me that clocks had gone back an hour! :) never have i been so thankful for an "extra" hour! anyway! i'm living with six other people this year in a relatively large house on melbourne road, opposite the fireplace shop. presenting THE MAIN CHARACTERS: (THAM) JIERONG: the cook. he lives in the neighbouring room, owns a booming sound system which can lend itself to some friendly competition with mine at certain times on certain days. :) but he's such an asset in the house, not least with his ability and passion for stir-fries. and he's such an amazing listener-- female friends concur. has a fettish for scarves and to his credit, is the most fashionable singaporean guy at warwick. PETER (THOMAS): what to say, he's welsh. we know him thru' dharmini-- he was her hallmate last year. i've grown to appreciate his wry sense of humour that i wasnt quite acquainted with initially. has brought lots of useful appliances to our house, namely a toaster, a water-filter and playstation 2! (GUO) SHILING: smart gal who often complains of not understanding her lectures. was from hC too, but i only knew her thru' warwick pre-departure. really thoughtful and generous friend, except for that night when she got drunk! my man-u match companion. we've got a common enemy.. DHARMINI: she can cry on my shoulder when arsenal loses. haha, gets quite a bit of stick (or suan-ing) from shiling and i. but underneath all that sacarsm, we really do try and love each other. MABEL (TAN): sweet, pretty gal who has a penchant for extreme neatness. the only person i know who uses a ruler to draw a line for fractions. our house treasurer and just as well-- she's someone we can trust! (LIM) WEE BENG (alias KRUNCHY or JERRY or AH BENG): ok, he's probably going to read this so i'm treading on slippery ground here.. the computer expert. and most helpful in that respect. lays claim to having the most high-tech room in this house and who could contest that? source of much practical advice and precaution. we've just got the attic done, draping wine-coloured fleece throwovers over the assorted old armchairs. we've even got a "love-seat", u know the gv grand ones.. not that we can conceive it being used as such! spotlights, tv and bar to boot. so that means the housewarming party publicised ages ago can finally come unto fruition. and we'll see how many peepz we can fit into this house. phew!

i've got another reason to be smiling. made one of the best purchases of the new term yesterday-- a floor lamp! which means i can read in bed without spoiling the mood or my eyes! and it is amusing really..the lengths my housemates have gone to to get white flouresent light installed in their rooms while i've shunned my FOUR bars of white ceiling light and gone to the trouble of installing a floor lamp with softer, yellow light. haha, so you see my room has quite an interesting system of lighting now. if i have to admit people who insist on having boring white ceiling light (which i probably wouldnt use anymore), well.. there are the four bars. and when i wanna read in bed at night or on a dark morning, there's mr. floor lamp, who help preserves the radiant cosiness of the room. and if i should find the time for a relaxing, meditative evening, there's mr.lava lamp..plus da desk lamp and my blue, red and peachy candles to create the ambience fitting for some late nite jazz.

my eyes were opened-- as i washed the dishes-- the mundane and the brilliant in one cascading moment. i wield a doctor's pen, the fountain of intelligence. in the clicks and in the curves, i attempt to prescribe the solution, which is at best a question. LAZINESS IS GOD-GIVEN GENIUS UNEXERTED!

it is the way you roll your tongue the way you say i-am-happy the smile that softens all that's cold furtive gloss of blue and gold in a white roll. the pregnant pauses and welcomed hush the stirring from an afternoon's rush your frizzy locks and anxious soul demand an audience. do take your time in this space and in this clime whisper to my listening brow right here, right now.

tag me!

you know, it strikes me, after a year of being in england, listening to friends' comments and personal reflection.. the reason why it seems so hard to make friends with the british.. it's bcoz of their reserve? it's like this social thing built into their psyche..? and it's so easy to mistake that quality for un-friendliness and aloofness? it's like they look at a foreigner as a foreigner? something that's like an "other", and opt for minimal contact? and so i find myself gel-ing so much better with international/european students. and then i realise that the good british friends that i do have.. they're either christians or especially caring people or both. and i really appreciate them for that. and only one Person can transform the psychological make-up of human beings in their natural state or pre-conditioned existence and bring life and love through such vessels. sitting at cell group i breathe in wonder-- it really is amazing looking at how He is the Unifier of a dozen souls, from a myraid of cultures and social backgrounds. while we celebrate difference here on earth we also welcome the Day when all barriers shall fall away and all tension melt into the crowning overflow of the perfect love of God.

I AM GOING TO OLD TRAFFORD! UNITED VS BLACKBURN! LIVE! PTL!

allez! justine is no. 1, officially!

a set of striped curtains hangs on plastic railing lifeless on its own. a riot of colours it effects in the room at night, with clear ceiling light-- white is boring. but o in the morn, it hangs transformed. as sunlight filters through, the floral shades glow in gratitude, with rosy beams of power and grace. and eyes that behold the sight are transfixed and amazed. at times we do feel like drab curtains on the wall and let's face it we all are. tis then the key to unlock innate beauty fashioned in the soul-- to let His light shine through. to step outta the darkness and man-created light (boring white ceiling light). and to walk into the life-giving, life-transforming light of the Father with whom there is no shadow or turning.

drunk daniel (upon being shown a picture of a cute girl): i'm trying to decide if she's cute or not. drunk daniel (picking up "the hardest economic text around",and having not studied econs before): all this economics i know.

so much history crammed into one week, so much mention of yesteryears crammed into one year. french revolution in poetry and society. U.S history in american lit. indian history and africa's too (later) in new literatures. not to mention a bit of greek past in theatre, for now. wow. had a good walk home and walk through in my house and adanna's as we returned from watching swimming pool (strange film featuring an oogling director and frustrated women.. perhaps that is the point). quiet cool night air and soft tones that go as deep as far as the heart can now bare.. and that was nice. bonne nuit.

so yesterday was a day of mini-explosions (my term for a moment or short span of sudden elation contained within an expression of calm) and i guess the day before was too (hmm, am i beginning to spot a trend). and today was just as eventful.saw daniela or daniele (she doesnt mind either) when jierong and i were on our way to sainsbury, or thought i saw her and i asked jierong what i shld do if i see someone i think i know but am not sure if it's the person of not. well then, missed one. we discussed 'the autobiography of benjamin franklin' for 19th century american lit today and frankly speaking i didnt like the writing-- too pompous, self-righteous, vain... and this was a text worth discussing?! putting aside some of my ruffled sensibilities i put in my two pence worth during seminar discussion. and i must say it's slightly disconcerting that when i try and say something i'm not sure if i say it coz of a sudden impulse to escape from being silent throughout, as if anything said that sounds vaguely sensible or smart would do. and then as i think back on my contributions they seem to be substantial yet really nothing much? that's quite a sickening feeling and i'm wondering if anyone relates. and the worst thing is that such moments have a tendency to replay themselves again and again in the whirlwind of the mind, yes even in the shower or under autumn leaves. but perhaps the best bit of the seminar was at the end when everyone so instinctively packs up, ready to leave the room and stephen sneaks in his last words. might be so basic but it was such a good point, or at least provided the inspiration i could feed on for quite a while indeed. perhaps noticing that there were the silent ones or disinterested or however u read it ones in the group today he launched into the simple idea that we are fully entitled to love our texts or hate them. but whether we respond in one way or the other, such emotion should always lead us to question why we feel that way and we should let our feelings energise the way we think about the workings of the text. in short, our personal response is often the best handle leading us deeper into the text. i hope i havent twisted or obscured what stephen was saying in my little bit of paraphrasing. he's really good at making things sound so horribly smart and deep and at the same time making them simple, relevant and startling. so yay for steve. and on the way home (this is the mini-explosion bit, but slightly less of calm here) i saw a familiar face at library bus-stop and that face gave a cheery frown of recognition in return. daniele. we sat together on the upper-deck, and i got so excited at the notion of her being from germany. i mean ellen was from germany, played football too, and was v nice but had a mind of her own and i could see the similarities. but i hope i didnt do any injury when exclaiming that all the german people i've met are nice (she says thank u). but i'm not sure if she thinks it's a bit too extreme or flattering u know that sort of remark. ah the whirlwind thing, stop it. anyway i clarified, well at least the germans at warwick are nice. and that's true as far as my experience goes. what is it about them coming to england coz i have a sneaking suspicion that they arent that nice a lot in their home country and don't get me wrong. there emerged some common fears and feelings about work, which was nice.. i mean the common-ness. but i meant to tell her not to worry so much. mini-explosion was/is also helped by the fact that she bears a not altogether faint resemblance to liesel from sound of music. football, friendship.. and all things are possible in this world moulded by His hands.

29 sept 2003 ------------------- melt the mask and move beyond the social niceties we have acquired so perfectly, so gracefully graceless-ly. the truth may hurt but hiding it under pleasant mutual assumptions hurts more. i desire connection sitting down is best but it doesnt always have to be over coffee or lying down on a darkened shore surely there is more than this i'm tired of knowing many yet knowing none and not being known like a face in the crowd. it really isnt easy (and who said it was) but it had all seemed so natural i want to care and i'm trying not to be bothered that many don't. thank U God that u bothered two thousand years ago until the present day or i would have been heartbroken long ago.

i awake to a new tune of jazz. the summer has gone so fast what shall this autumn hold, as the leaves they fade and fall. a dozen people and i'm zoning out innoculously. again. am i sweating u must be kidding. rosy peach and striped blue colour my shelter house. now i am afraid but do not let me fear. in a way i am fearless- what can happen when the God who held u yesterday is still holding u today and will forever. what i am afraid of though is that things will be the same. u know, the same old story. actually i'm glad that it hasn't been if the first week is anything to go by. junior fun, globe cafe, the warmest hug and grace in birmingham. and yet the longing remains. (i don't know what to say) surely it is too early to conclude, that's how i console. but more than that look forward, look outward but mostly look upward. for His great and precious promises, His special destiny is for me. is for me, indeed.

i have a current fettish for french bossa nova, in particular lisa ono's 'dans mon ile'. the first track is exquisitely charming-- it fills me with waves of happiness, probably becoz it reminds me of the '8 women' song and dance sequences and the french-speaking justine henin. smile. have been re-reading my secondary one lit text, red sky in the morning and i must say it's an incredibly sensitive piece of juvenile fiction. elizabeth laird makes such astute observations of the little things in life (what we know but she expresses so well and so exactly!). and the best thing is that it's all laced with such effortless grace. yay.. i get to watch 'swimming pool' and 'city of god' back in uk!! yes! i'd love to say there's always a way around it.

played my final game for ite last evening. glad we thrashed commonwealth 6 nil. and thank God i finally scored in an official league game-- an in-the-air tap-in. thanks to a great cross. and had the privilege of setting up two goals in the first-half. the first: nad passed to me on the edge of the box and i chipped it over the head of a defender for her to prod home in her usual acrobatic fashion. the second: nad's nice head flick fell to me, i drew the defender and slipped a through-ball to oja who made no mistake with her shot. touched that the team gave me a standing ovation (not that i think i deserved it) when i came off in the second half. that shadra shook my hand and said it was the best i ever played was it because it was my last. that my friends wished me well. that cess took great effort in baking a sweet and buttery chocolate cake topped with the icing of 'farewell jen'. aww. i couldn't promise that i'd be back as a player in spite of insinuations, but i will remember this team as the strongest cohesive unit i've played with so far. and i told them so. something else to cheer about: you can't help feeling rewarded when you're presented with a united jersey with no. 18 and JEN at the back. not pasa-malam material! haha.. as for eternal rewards, touching lives.. i hope i have brought Him the glory in the way i was the way i am on and off the pitch.

i am happy-- issit u or the intoxicating scent of a burning apple under electric moonshine?

am almost due back in uk but am so thankful we finally managed to meet up for a decent kickabout at hwa chong today! many thanks to ms chen, xiaowen, bongbong, gracia, pearlyn, bong's cousin and hsien hui.. thanks to ma for bringing me to ite to get my boots-- it really makes a difference, like the difference between wearing slippers and shoes! i was keenly aware that we were under the scrutiny of some hC students but hey, this was a splendid footy reunion and i enjoyed every minute of it on freshly mowed grass. dinner at coro, prince.. the place hasnt changed nor the great set meals. had sprite with lemon tea. served by our very own waitresses (head waitress gracia..haha). and over chicken chop, fish and chips (i know!) and sunny-side ups we talked of romantic attachments/engagements plus watzup for the future. and yes we laughed n laughed too (my hand on forehead), courtesy of gracia! pearlyn's gonna do a musical of da importance of being earnest nxt year with siau and writing da music too! wow.. hsien's packed and good for her too considering my stressful last minute antics last year. gracia.. something about social work and parents. bongster not teaching? that remains to be seen.. God's got great plans for them!! moi.. (in order of seatin, haha) teaching. xiaowen feels stuck in accounting but dreams of (and yea i do see it) opening this jap pancake stall with her sis. ms chen.. not sure if she'll be at hC forever as most teachers change school, like within their cluster (how moe works).. and i mooted da idea of us teachin in the same school and runnin the gals football team we'd set up! haha.. how exciting, and good chance too coz we live in da same area (how moe works). anyway. it's been a great day. p/s: go watch 8 women (3 bucks frm video ezy on tuesdays) if u havent already! a typically great british (i think) mystery theatre piece and more.

the lady opposite is spinning around in her kimino as painted satin hangs on the wall. i left my gushes at about 3.10 pm only to find 9 hours later that they had disappeared. perhaps in that black hole you will read and reply. i see the skull amidst it all that checks my folly and my love. singing and i will go to the ends of the earth to the ends of the earth for you. i fear eliot's ecuadorian jungle. whenever we meet it's theatre, sports, fitness and a treat but next time i hope there would be something more. i hope this is the last of it -- the late night talk show no. phew. wake up MAN. i knew it i knew it i knew it. with one hand spinning hope and the other off-tune love i tread and plod. these then are the thoughts of my everyday (or 2am ramblings if you please; my muscles yawn). and the God of my everyday knows them all.

i know this is mean. but i don't mean it. just for laughs. peace. Q: what do you call a blonde with one brain cell? A: gifted.
Q: what do u call a blonde with two brain cells? A: pregnant.

of goalposts and shoelaces
we were moving mini goalposts today for training and argh the nets were a jumbled mess which did not allow us to swing the sideposts back properly. i chipped in, "you know, i always had a problem with shoelaces." someone laughed. which was a pleasant surprise.

throughly enjoyed a heart-stopping game of tennis b'tween the hours of eleven and one. sitting at the edge of the coffee table and lappin up the exciting action served up at flushing meadows. it took a pint-sized (ok, no more than me. heh) lady, her tremendous heart, three hours and three mintues plus the grace of God to see justin henin of belgium defeat crowd favourite, jennifer capriati. the final score 4-6, 7-5, 7-5 (4) tells but half the story. capriati had fought back to claim the first set and looked set to wrap up the second and the match when i started watching. i was sweatin and screamin my head off for henin and whispering prayer after prayer. she smoothed her ponytail, locked her jaw, clenched her fists, clutched her hamstring, grimaced in pain and on the way played some amazing tennis, forcing unbelievable comebacks in the face of a star-spangled opponent and the partisan crowd. she saved two "match-game"s in consecutive sets, with the final set marked by an inspiring battle from 4-1 down to force the deciding tie-break. when capriati's final shot stung the net, henin's knees kissed the ground in delight while i made my wildly celebratory sprint down the hallway. thanks justine and jen for giving us a classic-- tennis of twists and turns-- to savour for years to come. and jen, i wish you had given justine a proper handshake. because she deserved it.

when you are tired and feel like letting go. when each breath becomes an effort. then lift your heart from the ground below and practise to behold. to praise your Maker in song. to pour out your heart and pour out your thanks. to worship through all you see. thank you Lord for what You're teaching me. some say you're just a good man, some say you were kind, some say you are in the grave, but i say you're alive! some say you're just a prophet, some say you were wise, some say you are just a man, but i say you're my God.. you are my God! i will shout your name in all the earth, i will lift your name on high, and the world will see your greatness, you are my God and i will shout your fame! well! that got my through the countless step-ups during training. if i had finished the song before the set ended i would have started thanking God for each leaf above, one by one.

wheeee. spent the night on the singapore river (yes, no?), albeit for ten minutes. but it was beautiful. three dollars from merlion park to boat quay. and i wouldnt get lost this time. i felt the night wind whisper into my skin. i stood on the front 'deck' of the water taxi. i stood tall on 'deck' and tried reaching for the bottom part of the three bridges we passed under. at times i stooped, not in variation but to save my head. forget about rustic charm here but the lit-up cityscape enhanced by the twin durians has a life of its own. actually the reason why i was on the river in the first place was coz mabel came to town. and a few of us brought her round after dinner and dessert. jierong says we would never be doing such a thing if not for the fact that we're entertaining visitors. which i guess is quite true. it takes a little for one to exchange the shelter of shopping malls and in particular the neighbourhood one (with adjacent mrt) for a night on the river. but yea that's a shelter in itself. where the rain and wind blow do we dare go. but tonight.. it was beautiful.

why and how. how and why. there was a real buzz in me bones yesterday when we stepped into nus to play bball. felt somewhat like... erm, singaporean version of american jock school. courts (tennis, bball, netball, u name it) were a hive of activity. i gulped as it dawned upon me that nus people (or perhaps nus hall people, to put it more accurately) have sport in their blood and life in their bones. gulp. isnt this place like THE place for me.. where socials are most probably sports and makan. argh. what am i doing in a place where joining a sports club, as someone put it, is simply an excuse to booze the night away. where socials make you look like an anti-socialite, a notion which you vehemently refute! the world was blurring before me. ground and hoop. sweaty bodies and clappy cheers. gulp. the ball spinning and my head too. why and how, o how and why. o spare me the platitudes. true, i'd never grow in certain ways if i hadn't stepped out of safe territory and i guess i had fun in different ways. there's a blessing in different pastures i suppose. but i can't help feeling that nus and "sports" hall life would be quite suitable for me.
or so it seems.

bryan (14 month kid) hit his head on the cupboard door on the second floor. bryan went downstairs and came up again. bryan used his hand to hit the cupboard door. some call it revenge, some human nature. two folded letters in a precious princeton wallet-- i forgot, you did not.. and God will not. two undelivered posts. one message. how could we fail in what we ought.

can't belive i've watched legally blonde THRiCE in the space of seven days! but having said that isnt it clear that it's a totally excellent movie?! kudos to the screenwriters and novelist-- karen mccullah lutz, kirsten smith & amanda brown-- who conjured up the semi-fantasy world of neurotic blondie elle woods. and resse witherspoon-- you rock!! the movie's driven by some really sharp dialogue that keeps you on the edge all the time-- one of the best feel-good comedies for a long time to come i reckon! (unless its sequel may better it!) here are some incredibly cool moments: elle (at a group intro session among snobby intellectuals): Hi. I'm Elle Woods.... And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed. elle's friends (marching into the courtroom late): oh elle, we came to see your trial! oh that's so cute, there's like a judge and everything..and jury people! judge: sit down ladies! (at the manicure parlour, ups guy walks up to patricia asking her to sign for a parcel. pat is dumb-struck. elle signs.) ups guy (winking at pat): how u doin' today honey? pat (constipated smile): fine. (ups guy leaves) elle: that's great patricia.. is that ALL the interaction you 2 have had?? pat: NO!!.. sometimes I say okay instead of fine.... Vivian: Nice costume. Elle: You too. Except that when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try to look a little less constipated. Elle: I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life. [someone whistles at her] Elle: I object! Reporter: How did you know chutney was lying? Elle: The rules of hair care are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would have known!

the greatest glory
underneath the darkened firmament tinged with swallowed light the heaviness of contemplation broods-- the glory of the heavens the wonder of the maker how much does he deserve. it is on a day like this when you feel creation's tremor in your bones as rustling leaves sweep you off the edge of the earth. the question waits the question bleeds and reaches into hallowed streets. those dusty memories of a lady in her bed. on a day not unlike this, corrie ten boom had asked an angel for ten years more to live (at the ripe old age of 70). when in five years she was crippled with a delibitating disease she encountered the angel again. corrie at your word you may leave this world no more pain no more suffering corrie at your word.at first the joy, and then the pondering.. a question with a gulp. what would give my Father the greatest glory? well corrie, staying on for five would give Him the greatest glory. and so corrie stayed. and corrie s u f f e r e d. and on the day the curtain fell, a holy spell to take her breath away.. corrie went home.

ever since being back i'm blessed to be able to meet up with close pals and enjoy their company once again. yet one thing that has disturbed me slightly is my inability to really open up to them about my experiences overseas. it's as if the intricate little moments are nestled deeply in some dark and unexplored corner, perhaps even left unturned by me. and my heart can't bleed like the mind points the way. yet sitting with you over hot milo and hotcakes, against the familiar insulation of car keys and magazines and below the cheese ceiling i realise what it means to share. those breaths held back do not mean we share anything less for this journey is long and winding and the scraps we've picked up together (i'm holding one end and you the other) are beautiful and enough to hold and behold. thank you then for the moments shared-- love and thunder, mary sings, perambulating evangelist, narnia, film, motives for service and a host of unimportant little things.. in the grand scheme of life. so sarah come and walk with me..

a picture entitled hope: lady with blindfold over her eyes, fingering the only string suspended on the ends of a harp. when all else crumbles away and you lick the dust of day, what is your final string?

tim howard signs for manchester united
"Manchester United have released the following statement regarding Tim Howard: Manchester United is delighted to announce today that it has reached agreement with Major League Soccer for the transfer of the registration of Tim Howard for a fee of �2.3m, including associated costs. The player has signed a four-year contract with the club. Tim Howard said: �I am overjoyed to be signing for the best club in the world and look forward to getting the business done and performing to the best of my abilities on the field.� Sir Alex Ferguson said: �We have wanted Tim Howard for a while and Tony Coton [United�s goalkeeping coach] has followed him for some time through his contacts in the US. Tim�s emergence alongside America�s number one goalkeepers Brad Friedel and Kasey Keller tells you how highly regarded he is in the States, and we are delighted to bring such a promising young keeper to the club.� Tim Howard Factfile: Born: 6 March, 1979. New Brunswick, New Jersey, USA Height: 1.95m. Weight: 88.5 kilos Tim joined the New York/New Jersey MetroStars in 1998, and he spent five and a half seasons at the Major League Soccer club, making 88 appearances for the team. While playing for the MetroStars he was voted Goalkeeper of the Year twice. A member of the US team in Sydney Olympics in 2000, Tim was called up to the US national team in 2002, making his senior international debut against Ecuador in July. He has a total of 9 international caps." -- Communications Department, 15 July 2003. dear tim,
you and i play football, have some connection with united, both claim to know christ as personal lord and saviour and long to make a difference on and off the pitch. the similarities just about end there, but are significant enough to touch me. i like what you said about how others are watching not only the way christians handle success, but defeat as well. it's such a poignant reminder at this point in time of how God desires to use each circumstance for His glory, that even our fraility is ground for testimony. i pray that the Lord will hold you, keep you and strengthen you against all evil. may He grant u favour with the team, manager and fans as you walk in His everlasting light. a city on a hill cannot be hidden. i believe you are a priceless asset to the team, an answer to prayer for godly influence in the premiership and football arena, and more promising than ronaldinho ever was. we can do without players who are not totally committed to united. we need you tim, we need Him to work thru' you to bring a real sense of what is important to a generation of stars who are ultimately lost. may you and other christian sportspeople be "blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe" (phil 2:15). and yes, i'd be eager to identify. in christ, jen.

when i first came home and tried easing myself into the new surroundings of hillview park (family shifted while i was away), there was the irritating morning cacophony of bird chirps that unsettled my pleasant snooze at approximately 6.28am. mum consoled me, saying that i'd get used to it soon enough. true enough and in proof of the wonders of the human mind, my system had switched off to the morning ruckus in about a week and a half. i tasted zai mi fen for the first time since coming home, thanks to ma who bought what i wanted, with the green beans and the crispy brown bits only, plus lots of sauce and green chilli. 'tis then the trapping of the human mind we should strive to undo: once the strange becomes familiar, beauty is bypassed and wonder forgotten. felt deeply stirred and inspired by a quote i overheard on radio as dad fetched me to football training just as dawn broke: look at everthing as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time. then your time on earth will be filled with glory. -- betty smith.

i'm feeling a little dizzy right now and throbbin with a bit of grief. the historic operation to seperate the iranian joined twins, laleh and ladan, has failed. just hours ago. it recalls for me the notion that life is fragile. foe is felled upon the field, the twins on mercy's seat. love is broken on the cross, the flower on the gun. decisions and choices that fill our everyday grow dim grow weak in light of timeless ray. our bodies our nerves our vessels are a divine fusion of grace, from hour to hour breath to breath we're wrapped in mercy's lace. i won't forget your smiles the hope that twinkled in your eyes and though you may be gone i'll try to remember and pray that others too will feel intensely what it means to live life to the full.

the saying is old but true: God works in amazin ways. been asking God how i could serve him and told bren i wonder when i would ever lead a cell again. then claire emailed today to ask if i would consider co-leading cell for next year (email to four of us). been wanting to help others by giving voluntary tuition.. took down a few numbers of family/ student centres but havent called, and unsure if they would take me on for less than 3 mths.. yea, but aunt called today to ask if i would be willing to give tuition to my cousin who needed intensive revision. :) these two incidents have showed me how God really knows our hearts and minds, that His vision is perfect, His plan larger than what we may imagine as the patterns he weaves unfold beautifully. in a way these matters are unclosed but i know He who is alive and who will be my Guide forevermore. am also really thankful that God has led my family to a church where i have two 'ol sec school friends-- rebecca and sharon. glad that i can meet them for cell tomorrow and of all places, at my 'ol home-- sunset way!! God knows how much our hearts yearn for home. this world is not our home. prayer is coming home to God. ;) whatever thing, person i cannot face, i know i only can as i approach the throne of grace on bended knees. it's supernatural power comin' alive in me, so that i don't have to be only natural. first drums lesson today. went quite well. no regrets, just wanna do my best and master all i can, boldly trusting the Master's Hand. (c'mon jas we can do it)

i met a lady shop assistant at a sports store (where i picked up the nike air zoom 90 II firm ground boots, saving a cool S$100!) who described her recurrent nightmare of stringing shoelaces. the man in the racquets section confessed his own hellish dreams of stringing racquet after racquet, the strings threatening to throttle him. it sure ain't all that easy and fun to work in a sports store (my initial comment that triggered the lady's comical confession)-- to think that it was my dream job at one time! my new house is the house of mirrors. one large one in the living room, one in the dining, two in the toilets and a full length one in the master bedroom. so there you have it, brother and sister preening themselves daily and i admit i have been slightly influenced-- thanks to the mirrors! my sister complains of her relatively large and protruding ears (a physical trait which my brother shares) and moans about how she wishes to have my type of 'normal' ears. she claims it's to do with the fact that my granny pushed back my ears when i was young, so they wouldnt stick out and be unsightly. on a private note of consolation, ears are for the hearing.

strip of light and midnight story heartland stilled in this moment's glory stars glisten in their dawning i listen to music in the dark. this road i've been travellin on i can only see so far see so long speckled bird nestling on the boundary tree but these roads they unfold for your hold tomorrow and i'm willing to trust as high as wide as deep as strong as far and long as you'll take me.

summer plans
learn tennis learn guitar learn driving(?) learn drums learn photography (aunty ivy's husband may be able to teach me-- he's a pro?) learn speed-reading learn.. and by His grace, go m.A.d!

racism, a system of belief rooted in pride, really stinks. i know what it's like to be 'the other' in another culture, felt myself seen through another's deprecatory eyes (or is it imaginary)-- double-consciouness that's the official jargon. this acutally keeps me in check, if i'm ever (and yes i am prone to it!) tempted to esteem myself above others. i think it does come down to this, among other important bits, that everyone's voice is valid. their feelings resound with a universal beauty.

we are a fascinating breed arent we. one moment the heart longs for home and when wish becomes reality the heart veers in the opposite direction. it's not that i'll be missing people here terribly (maybe just a little) but just the sense that there is unfinished business, a more urgent sense of purpose, fresh desire in the wake of nonchalence. no doubt challenges await but next year's gonna be an exciting one. uni's like that, esp overseas, every year-- a new experience. there is a limit to every human happiness. so what if we meet again so what if i indulge in the food this place cannot boast of.. primo levi alludes to this aspect of the human condition (and this i've been meaning to write since ages ago, like before exams, i think!) in his memoir if this is a man:
for human nature is such that grief and pain-- even simultaneouly suffered-- do not add up as a whole in our consciousness, but hide, the lesser behind the greater, according to a definite law of perspective.. and this is the reason why so often in free life one hears it said that man is never content. in fact it is not a question of a human incapcity for a state of absolte happiness, but of an ever-insufficient knowledge of the complex nature of the state of unhappiness..and if the most immediate cause of stress comes to an end, you are greviously amazed to see that another one lies behind; and in reality a whole series of others.
levi was astute in analysis but supplied not the answer. paul, in chains like levi, cast an illuminating light on this: i have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. i know what it is to be in need, and i know what it is to have plenty. i have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or living in want. i can do everything through Him who gives me strength.-- phil 4:11-13
i want to live i want to love i'm not afraid because your grace will always be enough.. i wanna laugh, i wanna be set free, and let you hold all that soul has deep inside of me.. you have shown me where to start.. it's on the tip of my heart.
no matter where, love grows in the soil of grace.

an addition to previous post: was really ministered to when rev sang 'can't give up now'.. the lead singer's voice is totally amazin!!!!! ana was watchin intently this time coz the amazin singer was her flatmate last year. the year's passed in the blink of an eye. things havent been the best or easiest, so it seems.. but listen up, o soul, listen up: i just can't give up now.. i've come too far from where i've started from.. nobody told me the road would be easy.. and i don't believe He's brought me this far to leave me amen.

it's been a good day, a day where my fears proved to be foolish and a day where God showed Himself as the architect of pleasant surprises. never had a bbq since comin' to uk but bbq is such a summer activity here.. and i found myself at two in one day! one with church mates which was short (had to leave earlier) but pleasant enough (great un-burnt! sausages with onions!). zipped into town centre and managed to pick up the item i have tried for ages to get a hold of! met a scotsman (retiree) on da way home. i know i have this friendly student look so he conveniently asked me how long no. 12 takes to reach the uni from the bus-station. we struck up a conversation, which lasted for the rest of the journey. he trying to understand the international student psyche slightly and i simply wanting to talk to someone from a different walk of life. before i could catch any sleep, i was off to another bbq. footy team one this time but was well-stuffed to eat anything but it was really nice and i'm so glad i went (was slightly apprehensive abt connectin with my team-mates... but yea of course there are a few i can count on.. but still i wanted to relate to the others.) just kicked round a bit (tis always nice!) and in between practising the art of ball retrival (from lake and thorny bushes) and findin' out a bit more abt kay (told her to intro herself as she would in a personal ad) and passing comment abt how sally looks like harry potter. becs picked up ultimate muppet point of the day by scoring 10/10 for enthusiasm and incidentally, plunging into the lake while running after ball. said bye to kay before we settled down for the revelation (rock-gospel choir! excellent.) open air concert. kay said see you at browns i'd better see you at browns tomorrow for the awards dinner or else.. i will be heartbroken. something to that effect.. crazy gal, nice thought. i never thought i would be worshippin the Lord with my footy mates clappin along and enjoyin the singing. o yea U did it in the most amazin way. as a grp of us huddled on a few rows in the filled piazza. it warms me heart profoundly to hear nat saying that she likes the song something inside so strong and watchin her intense appreciation as the voices ring out you thought that my pride was gone... oh no..there's something inside so strong.. something inside so strong. and to watch lis clappin' away to the praise tunes.. o it's a start but a precious one-- we need the filling of the Holy One. overcast sky outshone by the unquenchable joy of the choir and their bright t-shirts and faces! timing was perfect too: cooling raindrops fell as rev sang there's a blessing in the storm(not humanly pre-mediated!). o man the freedom to sing and praise under open skies in the company of footy mates, quite priceless really.. and the beauty of it was that i could connect with me mates over something other than football, something like music and not just any sort of music, but gospel music! over garlic and herb salmon and mash potato, we shared a-bitsy about the year. you talked of good things and i of 'bad' things turned good. patterns seen and unseen that our hearts are thankful for.

this was the moment where stapled paper was joyously crushed, when plans unfolded in the twinkling of a happy eye this was the moment when you asked if i was walking the same path, where the grass looked better than it does under beckham's heels. where the sun a juicy orange stared smilingly. this was the moment where we wandered home and promptly got lost in our elation, in the woods of purple flowers. this was the moment where the x12 made its scheduled stop at the library, where four books slid back home where i dialled thrice and got thru' on the third and you wouldn't have known this was the moment if i hadn't told you. this was the moment i told myself would come this is the moment when i can simply be and in being praise.

exams offer a twisted sort of pleasure. the strength of being a student laid bare in the ability to face exams in the eye and overcome. knowing that two hundred odd people are writing furiously with you, racing against the same clock and weathering the same storm while sitting at an organised cluster of desks and chairs, surely spells some vague form of community yea? it's strange but it seems as if i feel closer to my coursemates during the pre-exam waiting period or the post/was-it-alrite bit, closer than how i had felt for most of the year. well, i don't mean individuals per say but generally.. sounds sad but that's not the point. can't wait for tomorrow morn's paper to be over. unlike godot, that moment will come. what made you come closer? i was glad you did. sorry that you had to run off, was it because.. hopefully one day..

hadassah (jewish: a star)-- joy personified.

this lil gal in church has been a constant delight to watch. kim has been the one saying can i carry you while yesterday i was armed with a camera trying to capture this lil fountain of joy. alas she proved elusive for the sony cybershot and i ended up snapping pictures of the wooden flooring of our church, light illuminating from the spot where she had been a split second ago. thank God for mpeg movie function. the pics above are stills captured from the video i took so the quality aint great. but! :)
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o yea and i'm still online blogging and waiting for jen knapp to come on.. say won't you say.. that's the song i've requested on cmradio.net, for the 3rd or 4th time in as many days?! and oh yes! it's comin' on after this song.... aud was saying about how God has really brought her so far, and i guess i can kinda identify, though in different ways.. *aHHHH... here it is, here it is..* she used to listen *waitamin.....it's jenknapp but another song, called when nothing satisfies.. i'm beginnin to think if this is a divine message* she used to listen to 933 long hu ban or smthg smthg ban.. and it'd play on sundays.. and so she'd sit in church with her walkman, listening to 933!! haha.. though she was only 12 at that time.. but still that cracks me up! so funny, yet so sad.. as with so many things in our lives. as for me, i used to listen to 911 (u got my body shakin....), OTT, BSB.... "when i was really young", that's what i told aud. mum asked me a few days back if i had changed, and i told her that she should be the judge.. but if i were to comment on that over the space of my teenage years (am now on the threshold of eek..adulthood?), boy how different a person i feel i am from when i was really young. in good ways.. i feel more of a person now, more in touch with myself and i guess with God too.. but still frail and prone to lapses and very much in need of Grace.

oh man why am i blogging so much when i should be studying for exams?? tsk tsk jen.. stop procrastinating! ok, i will. after this. had bak kuteh with mee fen and mushrooms (to make up for lack of vegetables.. havent been to tesco for ages coz it feels too far away for this exam season, but then again..if i have the time to blog..).. and... *brace urself for this* crispy peking duck!! which wasn't crispy by the way. not that i have a fettish for crispy pekin duck, just that i had a craving for duck, with the bak kuteh that is. :) and for dessert.. egg tart!!!! ahhh........ i wanna go home and drink bubble tea. strawberry red tea with pearls....ahhh....... so thirsty now coz the bak kuteh was really salty. gulp. it was good to have dinner and jez chat with audrey, esp. when we have so much in common.. not least, knowledge of jennifer knapp! haha... confided in her about how i play jen knapp's songs and strut round my room, lookin at meself in the mirror while i strum an imaginary guit... i must really try pickin up the guit proper when i'm back though aud was suggestin abt learning frm tim..hmmz, whatever works i guess

hide me in your holiness i know there's mercy in lowliness come shelter me from sin o let your spirit in for i do not presume to assume pole position all i am's a jar cracked and broken to let your glory in to let your glory in.

we are but bodies falling through air in the vastness of knowledge we're drunk with despair the twisted tree and the flaming arrow fraility in the bone and marrow our watery faces in the moon-lit lake could this then be a fatal mistake. hiss. teach us then the solitary way and lead us by your hand through the miry land o we'll be painting rainbows once again.

boo just read something disturbing and sad in the news. singapore's divorce rates have grown much higher over the last 20 years, corresponding with the times of economic downturn and the general trend of developed countries. whatever happened to the "i do"s and the "till death do us part"s.. it's sad that commitment has lost its meaning to many.. who prefer to say goodbye and run rather than battle it out on the homefront, which would be painful but making future victory sweeter. oh what does a 19 year old gal know about such things have i stood in their skin received the shower of neglect and abuse or bemoaned the absence of one physically present? marriage is far enough from my mind but the weight of society's marital failures still saddens me. i'm just curious to know from you.. assuming you're married, in what circumstance do u think divorce is permissible? what would make you run from your partner, from "your one"?
answer me! please? :)

before i went to bed last night i chanced upon a poetry anthology i picked up late last year, entitled The Master Haunter: An Anthology of Poetry about Jesus. always did feel slightly funny about writing spiritual poetry, i guess coz poetry that is considered 'good' in this post-modern and post-post-modern age is the sort that is full of confusion, a web of meaning or meaningless-ness.. and it seems as if the distilled clarity of spiritual truth cannot be held in those forms.. or can it? :) lots to say on this and t.s eliot's poetic career would be an interesting study alongside his conversion to christianity late in his life. meanwhile, here are two poems from the book to fill your senses. This was the Moment This was the moment when Before Turned into After, and the future's Uninvented timekeepers presented arms. This was the moment when nothing Happened. Only dull peace Sprawled boringly over the earth. This was the moment when even energetic Romans Could find nothing better to do Than counting heads in remote provinces. And this was the moment When a few farm workers and three Members of an obscure Persian sect Walked haphazard by starlight straight Into the kingdom of heaven. ~U.A Fanthorpe (1929-) He is the Lonely Greatness He is the lonely greatness of the world- (His eyes are dim). His power it is holds up the Cross That holds up him. He takes the sorrow of the threefold hour- (His eyelids close). Round Him and round, the wind- His Spirit -where It listeth blows. And so the wounded greatness of the world In silence lies- And death is shattered by the light from out Those darkened eyes. ~Madeleine Caron Rock (20th century) if u're interested in poetry..

i just came back from an exam-- medieval to renaissance lit. the worst thing? i only had 5 min to do one of the six sections: a poetry commentary. this is an exam where you have to write and think at the same time.. as in, there's hardly any time for a thinking break.. unlike blogging. but i guess the best thing is that i've 'conquered' my first exam in ages so the next would be alright.. it ain't some mystical, soul-shattering force. only thing is that i cannot waste time drinking water (joke) or writing two sides for questions which i'm supposed to write one for (learn economy jen). the art of waffling hasn't deserted me, i realise as i wrote my essay, is that good or bad? came back to stare and flip thru' my returned modern lit. essay, my first 72 (thank u andrew, u prob helped add the 2 marks with your 'input' ;)). but after quite a tiring, furious afternoon i'm back to jenknapp (yes i did hear her during da paper) and yea, gonna lay it down lay it down.. i will lay me down at Your feet. o i saw you on da way home and we finally spoke! yay. sorry if i spoke a bit crazily, you know it was the paper yea.

e x plo di n g with excitement coz in approximately 18 hours i will be having my first exam in almost 2 years. studying and ploughin' thru' chaucer and spenser eTc. was confining but good fun i suppose. felt slightly overwhelmed with the whole aRt thing (if u want i can explain someday when u ask haha), enhanced by spiritual perspective. i can lean upon Your throne and find my peace.. He is my Light and my Salvation whom have i to fear am restful coz the One who's seen me thru' my 19 years will see me thru' tomorrow and tomorrow and.. am thankful for all the lovely people prayin' for me too. been listenin' lots to jennifer knapp (never knew she was soo good! think shawn colvin, tanya chua x100. heh.) thanks to aud lendin' her cds.. it's good to listen and ponder over her crafting, like frequent and beautiful internal rhymes-- could it be that my worth should depend by the crimson stained grace on a hand and like a lamp on a hill lord i pray in your will to reveal all of you that i can.. good prep for paper yea? wonder if i'm gonna hear her songs in my 'ead while i write tmrw.. like these hauntingly beautiful lines.. though the day be laced with trouble be the stone o'er which i stumble straight into the arms and stay where You remain. ~jennifer knapp

there's this lovely lady called kak shida who comes round every sunday (ok, tues and thur also but have never gone then) with a car boot full of yummy food like nasi lemak, briyani, tomato (nasi tomato, not tomato, doh!), curry puffs, assortment of kueh, noodles.. heh, you get the idea. if the singapore government was here they would hasten to give her the entrepreneur-of-the-year award. oh, but she's malaysian. :) she was late today and by the time she arrived there was a carpark full of hungry students who promptly descended on her. and i couldn't resist taking a shot.

tonight's baptism service at elim was pretty amazin'.. the testimonies of individuals and an entire family were really encouraging. there was this young man who was healed of twenty sore years of epilepsy. his mother had probably run into every hospital she knew of to find a cure for her suffering son. twenty years can u imagine. but then one day they heard on radio about how jesus can heal and they asked God for healing.. there he stood tonight, smiling, sharing, proof of Love Divine. feel as if all the words bottled up through a week of studious hibernation poured out tonight in every conversation. but i still am inadequate when it comes to conversing with new people or those i'm not that familiar with. it seems ok and all for a start but as the conversation goes on i slip out at some point or another, maybe it's coz of the distractions of the "meeting place" (where people gather to chill, have a cuppa..) and my mind has suddenly turned to another person or thing or the bus that's about to come. argh. but i'm just focusing on the negatives here, so it's still pretty alrite perhaps. but i think i give people a good impression that i'm in cruise control when i speak..well, i just need to know who's in control.

hot hot day people go out and play sit round in big wide field smiling at da sun bare-bodied chatting me lookin outta the window hoping for a summer breeze to come my way listening to jennifer knapp that gives one the go for it feelin' it makes me slightly urgh that people go out and sit round as in they do so in groups and i want to do so like sit with friends and read my book (read: study) but no one where's everyone oh well like back home i would have no qualms about sitting in a coffee bar or a conducive public area (not necessarily jarring terms) readin' or somethin' luv that piece of solitude and don't feel outta place but here it's just different really oh well have been thinkin about my house next year and my room i want it to be a cosy, jazz-bar feel little pad where people can just come in and chill and yes we've got an attic as well where we'll put lampshades and soft lights ah just that right touch wonder if that will make a house of seven dreamy people haha gonna make today count ooo yea

this is the life. getting a good sleep of a least nine hours every night and not having to obey the shrill orders of the alarm clock(s) (it's a choice really and yea, i have three clocks, but usually only one or two are in operation) this is the life where the single biggest worry of the moment is an impending exam (ok, three), and the only work done is reading and thinking. no need for the morning rush with the perfumed working crowd, well-heeled ladies and briefcase-hugging males on a seven am train. and the working space is a living breathing cosy personal space which is "well lived-in" (kim). and work is actually done, hence there is productivity. although the odd thing is that i'm paying money to do work, whereas real work is the other way around? (ok, i anticipate a rebuttal-- "it's an investment..") responsibility is personal, no need to be at the beck and call of managers, supervisors, principals or the government (eh, wait a min..). the food is wholesome and decent enough. (think cold skimmed milk topped with sliced banana and "crispy lattices of corn with a hint of honey") and all this while running on a flexible personal schedule. with music and unlimited internet access and the freedom to blog. this is the life. but also a life that is selfish and one i'd be ashamed to be living.

footnote: this is my centenary blog posting!
how's life?

when i set foot again on the dull grey ground made alive by perky footsteps i will hug the pillars i will trace the squares i will ascend the winding stairs i will stare at one and all with a profound recollection and an ancient wisdom perfectly hidden with the sparkle in my soul. at the site of daily rituals laced with grace i will linger at the spots feel that time in my bones when my head touched the stone i will remember i will smile all my years have been worth the while what have you been doing all this while. perhaps i will crawl through the rabbit-hole in playful imitation of previous desperation chuckle at the memory of a knowing thoughtful hand; yes these gates have been a passing-through and i am the better because of U.

it only takes a little time to show someone how much you care.. it only takes a little time to answer someone's biggest prayer..
what got me thinking was the 'a little time' bit coz at many times it really isn't just about spending five minutes or an hour (ok it's all relative). at times it really does seem like a big commitment to care for people. but in pondering more deeply on the notion of earthly time in contrast with the measureless span of eternity, surely any time we spend to m.a.d (make a difference) is really just 'a little time', and hopefully for eternal gain! on the other hand, it'd be too sorry a state and too late to be regretting lost opportunities for all of eternity! by the grace of God, help us go m.a.d!

the power of understatement
it seems like the british have perfected the art of understating things. not just verbally, but in the way things are carried out, without an air of importance or emphatic gravity. being in church and cell gives me a sense of this. was wondering at first if this was because i wasnt part of the leadership so i didnt feel the importance of things as leaders normally feel as they assume direction. but i think not. and the songs that we sing. in fact, the worship songs penned by british artists have a muted quality. not to say they are not powerful and stirring, but there's just a certain muted-ness? hmmz. and they can treat a big event like the centre of excellence football festival without the pomp and ceremony of some countries i know. interesting huh? i would like to think of understating as being part of humility.

hadassah spitted at me today. the lovely family of four was walking out of the church hall, with syria in her mother's arms as usual and hadassah playing hide-n-seek around the trunks of grown-ups' legs. i wanted to go near her and speak to her, but am so afraid of failing coz it's so hard to become child-like and all... and not sure about her understandin' me.. anyway, i thought smiling and soft contact would be the best alternative. so happy that she stopped short in front of audrey and i, and i was jez gazing at her little round face. maybe she was listening when i said hi, how are you doing or maybe she just saw a mouth opening and closing. i wonder what went through her little child brain at that moment. but before i knew it, she was pursing up her lips, puffing out her cheeks and blowing saliva (small, potent arrowed shot) into me face! not once but twice i think! in between, smiles that say i'm enjoying this! oh to think that spit could be so lovely.
spit it out!

love is asking u alrite and not expecting the answer to be a yea or yea u, but daring and willing to go the distance. the best conversation is not about words spoken but a deep sharing of all that's broken. "the bar flourishes not because most people are alcoholics, but because God has put into the human heart the desire to know and be known, to love and be loved, and so many seek a counterfeit at the price of a few beers." (bruce larsen & keith miller, the edge of adventure) was on the football pitch today, helping out for national f.a centre of excellence festival and towards the end, i saw fulham walking off the pitch. there was this english gal walking alongside this chinese gal with a pony-tail. the former's head was tilted at a certain angle, and i thought i detected a faint smile-- both gestures of understanding. as they trailed past me, i pressed to listen to the latter's accent.. but her words flew by too softly, yet i thought it was an accent unmodified by british culture. and she seemed gentle and harmless enough, not like some wild english kid (i'm sorry for sterotypes here the brain reacts). a beautiful chance encounter on cryfield pitch 10. we human beings are all very fine with pretending to listen. u put your arms around me, u listen to all i tell thee, u comfort me with acceptance & back me thru' it all.. i wanna put my arms around you & listen to all you tell me, no judgement no shame, we're broken, both of us.
to you who are reading, thank you for listening

you took me to the waters and there you dipped me in it was cold but it was cleansing all my scaly skin sinkin' and i felt meself drownin' and dyin' away.. you drew me to your broken side from your pure white flank flowed plasma-- air and water life and blood liquid love pouring over me head and me tears streaming down and i'm left standing in a lovely puddle of grace.. you set a river flowin' i feel your waves enfoldin' joy and freedom bubblin' over all over me and the desert land of my parched and empty soul you cover with your hand and say be thirsty no more.

drowning drowning God help me I�m drowning the waves of pleasure of delight have all receded into cold spite the lifeline my lifeline my eyes can�t see my limbs they crawl and get tangled up within all this while have I been buildin' sandcastles in the air no more words to be said the water�s over my head

we had a lovely time of prayer and encouragement at cell last night. and this is one thought that occured: can we imagine heaven? eternity: a state of continual amazement. wow, i don't know about you, but that blows my mind. it won't be boring in heaven. the angels have been there since ages ago and they are still lost in wonder. hey, hope you can take time to read the following lyrics carefully, and if u dare, sing it! :) like the tree that's still standing after all these years you are so faithful lord like the night that steals the morning like the morning leads the night you draw me close to you chorus: my prayer this day in your presence lord o god let me be found my work my play my everyday let it be for your renown let it be for your renown burn like fire cleanse like rain holy spirit come fill me once again for without you there's nothing i can do and i know there's nothing you can't do bridge: when i say not my will but thine let me know what i sing for it's a full surrender that my heart longs to bring like the night that steals the morning like the morning leads the night you are so faithful lord you hold me close to you chorus 2: my prayer this day in your presence lord o god let me be found my breath my life my everyday let it be for your renown let it be for your renown sing sing sing

precious moments
came back from a wet wet training, though the sun made its reapperance towards the end. we played a match mostly, but i thought i didn't play all that well.. felt strangely constrained. hmm, was it the astro ground or the lack of solid protein in my diet today? hmm.. anyway, arrived home feelin' alrite but not too good coz i was still wondering abt my exam preparation. (had revision seminar in the day in which i felt like i knew very little.. remembered v little i mean) but still decided to lay everything before Him, trusting that in the stillness He is there. i turned off the lights in the room, drew the curtains to the side so that i could gaze into the big blue sky as i came before Him.. was just asking God to SPEAK to me.. a gentle whisper perhaps..? closed my eyes in meditation.. and then opened them again to be fascinated by the golden tree-top before me.. sunlit branches swaying to the gentle breeze outside.. and before my amazement ceased, i saw the colours of a rainbow appearing in the background.. and before long, the colours brightened and radiated with a part of heaven's glory.. can u imagine how my heart leapt in joy? :) walked out of the flat in hope of getting some nice pics.. felt like noah coming out from the ark! for before me was the most magnificent sight i'd seen in warwick.. a giant arc of rainbow splashed across this tiny tiny corner of the world we call the university of warwick.. it was a double-arc in fact, just that the upper arc was much fainter.. the rainbow-- a part of heaven on earth. i was left smiling in wonder, in shorts and slippers.

hallelujah lord, hallelujah king.. suffering saviour, righteous offering.. hallelujah lord, hallelujah king.. maker of the rainbow you are why i sing
ur precious thoughts

it's pouring now! thunder claps and all.. long time since it's been like that.. reminds me of childhood at farrer road (granny's old home).. one night where i was snuggled in bed and the window grill was open.. and in my semi-conscious state i protested, 'it's spitting, it's spitting!' :) rain.. i like the feeling just before and after it rains. like the heaviness of expectation that swells my heart.. like something momentous is on its way. and when that happens here, i feel a sense of deja-vu. like i'm back in singapore on a dark, cloudy afternoon which seems like night time when it's only past one.. and i feel happy coz it's so early in the day though darkness surrounds. and the wind that rustles the leaves of trembling trees before the downpour.. and the cold freshness, the glistening sidewalks once it is all over.. really does make me feel like i'm back home. rainy/sunny thots?

the father's song i'm like the kid who rolls around in the mud, in playful painful delight all-too short-lived. and Daddy bends down time and time again to pick me up in His arms. His white sleeves get dirty, but they wouldn't be if He hadn't touched me. God really moved in our hearts today during service at elim. I was just crying out the night before, 'God we cannot go thru' another service and sing some songs, hear a sermon, go for tea, smile and shake hands! no, we need to see You!'. and i believe He heard my cry. no, He didn't come in a cloud or rumbling roar (we'll all bow face-down on that day), but He filled our hearts and cleansed us of all the dirt and grime. i was taking communion and had this vision of me at the foot of the cross. and just as the accuser started to whisper, i felt jesus saying, "my child, you've taken on my righteousness. see what u're clothed in now". then i looked upon Him and saw that all my sin was on His perfect, broken body. o He took it all upon Him that i may live and truly live! and broke the power of sin and broke the power of sin.. hadassah looked so different today! my, has she grown! she's one of the cute kids in our church.. those who know me well know i don't quite like kids! (except! my dearest 4-yr old 'baby' cousin) but... but this was hadassah! haha.. my, she's got long hair now! little blondie with a little pony-tail. and her face.. just looks different! but still pink and blushing with joy. only thing that hasnt really changed is her love for running..like from one end to another! hopefully, i can teach her football one day. (not netball, netball's not for runners. it's more like feet-movement. bleah.) i reached down and cupped her warm head in my hands and she just stood still..ahh. (no, i'm not gettin in touch with my maternal instincts) later as we left church, we heard her mum call, "hadassah..hadassah, don't run off!" haha. heaven's perfect melody the creator sent for me you are singing over me the father's song heaven's perfect mystery the king of love has sent for me now you're singing over me the father's song. --matt redman, 'the father's song'

A.D X2 i am afraid that these lines will make light your living because it hurts i may not ponder the magnitude of your pain to which i do not have privileged access i can only pray that the luminous door will shine open but because i'm afraid i can only encircle the issue with a few pretty phrases.

'i refuse to be locked up in here like a prison cell..where all i ever get is a meal and four walls' -- steel bars (jill phillips) the human being is not made to withstand the containment of the four walls. well, not for very long at least. the desk-bound body and book-chained mind protests after approximately three hours, springing into a dancing jig with a football and da rhythm of music. next necessary diversion: vacuuming.. an act last attempted a long long time ago. lugging the metallic monster by its ultra-flexi neck and saying goodbye to a carpet of dust particles, microbes and honey nut cornflakes is pretty liberating, save the stale air that the little monster sputters out..eww. am looking forward to church, football training, greeting the million daisies, where i can get a breath of fresh air. somewhere in the open streets of a war-torn ghetto.. a dismal figure shakes his head. we're not hermits

One Of These Days (Smalltown Poets) When time shall slip its cog in place And spin its line of lovely lace Then love and peace come face to face One of these days When sorrow can nowhere be found And greed shall lay its weapons down And hate give up without a sound One of these days When love by tender instrument Through circumstance and incident Shall peace and joy again invent One of these days To see this from within the soul We must be patient and consoled To know the joy that's ours to hold One of these days And so with earnest inward eyes We man the post where duty lies And seek to win the precious prize One of these days One of these days�

what made me cry
your thots

'The old Moses, standing on the banks of the Thames. Sometimes he think he see some sort of profound realisation in his life, as if all that happen to him was experience that make him a better man.. it had a greatness and a vastness in the way he was feeling tonight, like it was something solid after feeling everything else give way..' --The Lonely Londoners i know it is early to comment on what i've gained in the experience of studying abroad. it's coming to the end of the 1st year, but i'm not halfway through yet (which is always good). but i was reflecting today on the 'downs' of life abroad, away from the safety of home.. issues like who can accept me, who can encourage me, who will be there for me.. not really on these issues themselves, but what they meant, what they boiled down to.. human perfection has its limits but the divine laws are boundless, as is the Source..and i can say that i've come off better even with "bad" experiences.. nothing's wasted and left unturned in this journey.. for thru' it i've discovered my Anchor and my Guide. the Lord is your Song yea i will praise Him all day long the Lord is your Rock in the dryness of this desert of pain the Lord's your Reward when it feels the world can't give (no more) the Lord is your God He's my Redeemer, Gentle Saviour and Friend.

pastor barry stood outside elim church. pastor barry was chatting to us as we stood in a semi-circle around him. "students, you can change the world!" i think we all smiled. then i extended my hand.."happy 9th anniversary pastor." firm handshake, more smiles. "ah well, you've changed my world!" i smiled then softly spoke, "yep, we all start small.."

fact or fiction.. we still learn
watched luc besson's joan of arc at daniel's place two nights ago. it was shown on bbc2.. very artistic and controversial film.. well i guess you can trust the french directors for that. (all that i'm 'bout to say relates to the film's representation, which is mostly fictive, ahem) it explicitly cast doubts on the source of joan's voices.. were they really from God..the devil..or herself? if u analyse it in the litty way, it's really interesting.. but i would hate to think of joan as being a fallen "saint". no, i do think she heard the voice of God..as history tells us and faith propels. anyway, i felt that the most touching bit was when she was locked up in a cell while on trial for heresy and she was being confronted by doubts in the form of a hooded, bearded dustin hoffman?! ..if she had heard wrongly..if she had fought in her own name ("let those who love me.. follow me!".. she had screamed on the battlefield).. the questions came fast and furious: were u selfish? were u proud? did u enjoy killing? the virgin warrior had claimed to have fought in God's name.. hmm, made me think 'bout how often we vouch to live for God, do this and that to honour Him.. but how much of self there is in our actions too... we really do need His forgiveness and grace. *momentous pause* ok, my moment of epiphany was more profound than it sounds here! hhaa.
cool film review, i'm biased

from the ends of the earth i call to you.. i call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than i. --psalm 61:2 i have run through fields of gold and chased orion's trail tasted the sweetness of the earth and now i lie unfurled the world is burning the sights are dimming and now my strength grows weak youth's in passing the songs are fading with all that i would seek so i lay me down at this broken altar i'm so weary from chasing me waiting for an answer waiting for the moment where you would cover me i lift my eyes up where does my joy come from yesterday's shores tomorrow's moors today's uncertainty the toys lie broken on the floor o there's beauty in fraility and once again i learn it doesn't come back to me rock of ages hope of eternity you said i would rebuild the ancient ruins but what if those ruins are me comments: the pen of an amateur surely. the rhyme scheme is all too predictable with constant reliance on the ending 'e' sound. outworn expressions and metaphors convey a sense of weariness, but perhaps that is the point of a weary man. B-.
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late winter light fills the air folds my eyes there against the sky i call on faith with arms stretched high and would you know how much i love you would you feel the way that i do if i told you all the things that move my soul and when the world is turning darkly would you still be the earth beneath me if i told you all these things would i be sure would i be sure..

we got free tickets to watch 'Patter... a quiet meditation on magic' and this was what it was supposed to be about: 'A playful investigation into the mechanics of the magic show. An investigation that dares to tinker with the trappings of conjuring and asks some big questions. Patter... is an offbeat comedy, an intimate patchwork of exploded stage illusions, neurotic experiments, hyperbole and panic. Fuelled by an obsessive love of gesture and magical paraphernalia, the Magician and Assistant swagger from one lovingly crafted illusion to the next. But nerves are raw and telling cracks appear, exposing bleak and unsavoury secrets beneath the glitter.'An entertaining hybrid of performance art, magic show, comedy and theatre... a really funny piece.' Time Out' and if i may add my two pence worth, patter isn't a magic show. it's anti-magic. fully aware of the audience's tall expectations of magic, it easily slides into the operation of the reverse. but the performance left most of us disgruntled and dissatisfied. i wasn't about to complain about the magic because i guess the magic wasn't the point and yet i was looking for some deeper symbolism and meaning behind a series of 'neurotic experiments'. i mean, how can one not be drawn in that direction with a title (of a trick) like 'freud's lemons'.. you won't believe what big words are brandished on the program highlights leaflet, but i suppose hyperbole is part of the comedy. the only thing that hurt was that for all its pretensions to cerebral stimulation, it did not hit the heart. but if i may list the redeeming features: a charismatic (eh, what's the word..delicious? now, don't give me weird looks!) lady 'assistant', the box illusion which seemed to fuse two bodies, elongated as one, the jaunty rhythms of choreography... then there was the post-show talk which i went for in all curiosity, only to be irritated by a smart-alec technical director who started dishing out samuel beckett quotes (okay, just one) in his posh accent. well what can i say? you can't force a meaning upon something which hasn't touched you.. maybe that wasn't the point of the show. i wonder when experimental theatre would really hit me like those narrative ones often do! but with this experience, i may most objectively say that one man's meat is another man's poison. and i can still smell the hazy and intoxicating scent of the studio theatre.

i did it again. in an attempt to whip up an onion and mushroom omelette, i ended up with scrambled eggs. alas, the crucial technique is in the flipping. once that goes askew, you can say goodbye to any hopes of an intact and nicely folded omelette. i think my mistake this time round was in putting semi-skimmed milk into the egg mixture! (wherever did i get that idea?) anyway, to go back to the beginning, when was the first time i made the grand error of egg-cooking? eh, i think it was in sec one or two home economics lesson. my partner and i were the best possible pairing out of a class of twenty odd girls who stood subjected to the trials of domestic education. while i couldn't boast of culinary finesse, my partner provided little consolation. now, there was this home economics lesson in which we had to simply fry an omelette, add garnish and present it for the teacher to see. well suffice to say our egg refused to flip properly and we were forced to improvise. i forgot how our garnishing went but as all the pairs in class presented their lovely-looking omelettes, complete with tomatos and lettuce, our humble container clearly stood out among the ranks. i can still remember the scene: a group of apron-clad girls and scary teacher (smiling in expectancy) huddled around the table, upon which laid some exemplary fare.. and then there was ours. it was one of those moments when you wished you could disappear into the toilet while the teacher made her appraisals. our classmates were very kind not to laugh in that moment, though i would gladly permit them to do so now.

what you hear with your ears is the song of my heart. Lord Jesus, may it bless Your name.
Lord I Offer my Life To You All that I am, all that I have I lay them down before you, O Lord All my regrets, all my acclaims The joy and the pain, I'm making them Yours Chorus: Lord, I offer my life to You Everything I've been through (all the good, all the bad..) Use it for your Glory Lord I offer my days to You Lifting my praise to You as a pleasing sacrifice (consume me) Lord I offer you my life Things in the past, things yet unseen Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true All of my hopes, all of my plans My heart and my hands are lifted to you What can we give that You have not given What do we have that is not already yours All we possess are these lives we're living And that's what we give to you Lord (2x)

this or that
just tumbled out of bed.. i had turned on parachute band's songs on my laptop and fell into a state of worship/reflection.. what will i do now i will get the essay out of the way (i know lying in bed is a good way of procrastinating and i rationalise it as rest which satisfies) and then what next.. what will i do tomorrow maybe get a bit of exercise which is always nice with the weather we're currently blessed with hopefully they will be out to play netball or something or i could call a football kickabout we'll see.. then day after day here will soon lead to the exams and hopefully after that i will get to tour uk and before long (yes!!) i will be back in the lovely land of singapore where i can meet the lovely people again and have lovely food (i'm hungry now) and play football everyday (well, we'll see).. and then my next two years at uni.. with good days and bad.. it's presently quite romantic with the soft lamplight and music falling upon me in the shelter of my room and perhaps coffee would complete the scene some nice tumbled-outta bed scene :) and before long i will be a teacher yes in a classroom taking the place of those whom i meet and once held in awe receiving the gazes and greetings would you believe it.. i wonder what comes next.. i'm glad i don't know everything that will surely spoil the surprise. will the shell of today and tomorrow follow me to the grave. when the fire burns what will stand.

now listen, you who say, "today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. what is your life? you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. instead, you ought to say, "if it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." [View/Post Comments]

why do we have books why do people talk why do we blog. it's all because of the need to tell. try putting a man on an island alone and if he doesnt die from social exclusion he'll still be affected by the lack of an audience-- someone to hear his thoughts to know how he feels someone he can tell. since there is no human form he creates a persona or a volleyball named wilson. a kid alone in his room tells stuff to his stuffed toy thoughts that you and i and his parents would never know perhaps. we need to tell to confide like the auschwitz victims do you know they burned with the desire to tell of their life everyone in camp said they would write a book when they got out they would tell the whole wide world what needs to be known but most of all they would tell or else they would sooner die. carvings on the walls scribblings on the meal ticket all the pretty graffiti corridors of secrets passages of disclosure part of the essence of all that's human. so many people need to tell they need to know they are heard so they feel connected you know about the counsellee who sits in the psychiatrist's office and all the doctor says are words like yes uh-huh umm all strategically placed and at the end the patient shakes his hand and tells him he's the best counseller in the world don't be amazed. people around us need to tell and i wonder if we are listening. it's not in the details or in the facts what we need is a ear attuned to the sensitivities of the burning human soul. tell me your story!!

today's been an absolutely gorgeous day of sunshine.. good excuse for not doing work! had lunch at the piazza with kim, with fellow sun-bathers.. along the journey >> smiles among strangers.. saw lotsa pretty pretty daisies and finally gave in to the temptation to pluck one! rationalised it as being alright coz daisies were in abundance, like wild flowers..and i do think they are wild flowers..so! :) probably took a thousand and one pictures of them glowing in full bloom, ripe and bursting with life.. wonder what it is about them that swells my little heart.. 'ran' around tocil woods, lake and campus very trigger-happily, fascinated by the shades of the sky, the cloudburst, the bluebells in the woods, and daisies galore!!

all men are like grass, their glory like the flowers of the field, the grass withers and the flowers fade, but the Word of the Lord endureth forever.-- 2 Pet 1:24-25

feeding on the remains of yesterday's grains.. trying to shake off the red fern leaf that hangs across her beak, which probably clung on when she furiously dug her head into the green carpet.. ever seen a duck run? he waddles strangely enough.. i watched amusedly as he ran a good distance before ducking (excuse moi!) under the steel gate.. detaching myself from the voyeuristic activity of duck-watching, i turned to reading sam selvon's the lonely londoners which seems no less voyeuristic! i must say i haven't had such a good laugh from a book for ages! tanty, a granny-like character, is the west indian version of mrs bennet of pride and prejudice fame.. gathering her immigrant family (fresh from the boat trip across continents) to pose for a newsmonger's camera..so proud that it hurts.. :( selvon's writing is a blend of orality and literature..a blend of wicked wit and pathos.. there's this bit where sir galahad stands on the streets with people rushing by and all of a sudden he no longer feels so brave, all of sudden, lonely and afraid. london can make you feel like that. and maybe there's a lonely londoner in each of us.. u can hear the distict accents of a west indian.. reminds me of our country's singlish.. why can't we be at least a bit proud of our culture? seriously, pck doesn't hurt. bebo made a funny and insightful observation that night: "..what amazes me about your accent..you english can say something that's totally dumb and it comes across as incredibly intelligent. we americans can say something intelligent and it comes out sounding really dumb." yeah of course! now i know why my coursemates sound so smart during seminar discussions! and that's why i practise the english accent from time to time. hahaha.

Jesus draw me close Closer Lord to you Let the world around me fade away Jesus draw me close Closer Lord to you For I desire to worship and obey yep, yep! these are da lyrics of the tune you presently hear in the background... gimme a shout if you don't!

between the shuffle along the stairs between the hours of eleven and twelve between the moments of our decisions on the hurried lines of our earth.. you called me by my name with a smile and in a pause. and to borrow from convention, our tiny worlds stood still. why didnt you move after saying hi why didnt we go for the customary glance. instead. i told you about rome and my thought of bumping into you along the streets where you had chilled out for a full five weeks. i searched for things to say in the moments when i looked away. what made u linger when we were quiet, what made you stay when you could run. (sorry i was the one who ran first) all the things we never said all those times when i held back all that silliness and busyness and all that..drowned in the joyful waves of a late-morning chat.

Gutted, absolutely gutted. I can't do the Film Studies optional module I had intended to take. If MOE couldn't stop me, the time-table did: 2 film screenings clash with my lecture times for next year. Looking to the future, it seems that the film module would clash with my lectures in the 3rd year as well, unless there is a change in times or the working of a miracle. But you know what? Miracles happen. The door He closes no man can open, the door He opens no man can shut. Hopeful, always hopeful.

12 Palestinians killed in Israeli raid
GAZA CITY (Gaza Strip) -- Israeli troops battled dozens of masked gunmen in a raid of a Hamas stronghold on Thursday, waging an offensive against militants without let-up despite a new international peace plan. Twelve Palestinians, including two boys, were killed.. -AP somewhere else, not too far away, eli and amer are playing football together in a park. amer's palestinian; eli's israeli. not that it's of any significance.

what could be better than listening to bebo norman on your discman and staring into the bigbluesky? well, spending an evening listening to him in person.
bebo at bromsgrove this was the experience of a lifetime. and its timing was superb as well (hmm, i qualify that.. my essay was kinda held up! hah). i had my backpack on, just about to go out and do the laundry, when grace called, asking me if i liked bebo norman.. strange question i thought.. then she told me that he was in town (near birmingham) and a few mates and her were going to his little gig.. she asked if i was keen too coz she heard from audrey how much i liked bebo.. i was like......... *fill in the blank* perhaps what makes this amazing is also due to the fact that just last night i had looked at caedmon's call tour schedule and wondered to myself when a good christian band would ever come to england! they were always touring around the states (well, their homeland anyway..) later, claire, who drove us there and claims she has a school-gal crush on bebo, said she'd discovered about the concert just the night before. miraculous coincidence, don't you think? the setting was quite cosy and atmospheric.. nice little chapel at bromsgrove school.. with the lights all dimmed and rows of candles across the bench ledges.. enveloping us with the warmth of folk-music and God.. bebo looked different in person! i think people always do... and yes, american accent!! haha.. well, he's from georgia and he claims that his name and classic 'y'all' (he said it about 5 times?) are the casualties of that! the thing that strikes me most about bebo is his candour, humour and his sensitivity. he didn't perform many songs-- i guess coz of the time factor and because he wasn't about to promote himself but share something special thru' his music.. says he has a bad habit of talking too much.. funny fact: he tiptoes to tune his guit! it was good to hear the banter between him and his friend (playing a bit with him) and to hear him share his experiences and his heart..

.. his story about wallif, a child he sponsored through compassion international, and the brazilian people was touching.. even though he couldnt communicate in the same tongue with this 5-year old kid, it made the whole experience even more special.. where two human beings enjoyed each other through profound emotional bonding.. and he said he learnt a lot from wallif and co. who taught him about living.. our joy is very often circumstantial but in the throes of poverty, wallif and his people's joy was the simple joy of being alive. wow.. he went on to sing great light of the world, the song inspired by that experience. his sharing added much depth to the song and you could really feel him crying out to God as he sang. the evening ended quite appropriately with the hammer holds-- the song that first introduced me to bebo norman. remember playing this track on repeat mode in the dark of the night back home, shedding tears on the pillow.. well, guess i've come full circle! but the message was still very much alive.. and what i needed to hear. this task before me, it seems unclear.. but our Maker holds.. as bebo's voice trailed off, tears welled up in my eyes.. it was an amazing evening-- one i wish had gone on forever. and no, i do not have a school-gal crush on bebo.

plastic bag floating in the wind, a la american beauty.. that's what greeted me on my return to tocil..walking the dirt path.. i stood beholding the scene before me..how an empty bag looked so full, so free, floating in the wind.. how a costcutter carrier bag was carried off the limits of the earth to meet the bigbluesky.. how there is grace that transcends fraility.. how there is beauty in the lesser being lifted.. about 30 metres away, the bag ended its magical journey and was plucked from the lower air by a vaguely amused student. i made it past the dirt path, stood still with hands in pockets, and smiled.

the reason why i feel held back from service or from surpassing the norms is the fear of the unknown and fear of failure. fear is the opposite of faith. i really thank God for awakening my faith again.. it seemed like the Holy Spirit just breathed in me ever since my waking moments of this day.. faith.. faith in the faithful One. the stories (true stories) of how He's worked in my life, in the lives of those around me (ruth, i will always remember your mr. pootie.. providence.), in the lives of people just like us.. made me cry in grateful amazement and stirs the flame within. great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.. (strains of a traditional hymn) morning by morning i wake up to find the power and comfort of God's hand in mine season by season i watch Him amazed in awe of the mystery of His perfect ways all i have needed His hand will provide He's always been faithful to me i can't remember a trial or a pain He did not recycle to bring me gain i can't remember one single regret in serving God only and trusting His hand all i have needed His hand will provide He's always been faithful to me this is my anthem this is my song the theme of the stories i've heard for so long God has been faithful He will be again His loving compassion it knows no end all i have needed His hand will provide He's always been faithful to me

a typical corridor conversation before top b (top banana-- cheesy pop union night): "oh that's a really nice top. oh nicole i really love your top." "do these shoes go? this pair or this one?... o, i need another skirt.." "no, don't change it.. it's really nice..." "it's wierd.." "o c'mon jenny, it's really nice.. look, u look really good.." "no... i think it's funny.." "o....this is really nice.. i love your shoes.." "thank you!!" "c'mon guys, it's getting really late.. get your ** outta here!!" "la-la-la"

on being a lamppost

hmm. had quite a strange yet powerful dream last night, i mean, this morning.. moments before i woke up. set the alarm at 10.10, so that i could get up a bit earlier to flip thru' pearl for the translation test.. answering my guilty conscience. well, what do u expect? i switched off the siren (no exaggeration!) promptly and stumbled back into bed.. it was one of those sleeps which are so satisying-- so deep yet i could still curiously tell myself how much i was enjoying it. anyway, started to wander into dreamland again.. dreamt i was sitting for some sort of test (wonder where that idea came from?)..but it wasn't about middle english.. i had a blank piece of paper and a pen(cil?) and was supposed to write down the attributes of God from A-Z. can no longer recall exactly what i wrote down.. but it seemed as if whatever i wrote stirred me greatly on the inside.. as if it gave me the strength and courage for the test that was to come.. (part of my semi-conscious state remembered the translation test) the being of God stirred my inner being.. knowing who He is gave me the strength, and assurance of faith.. then it dawned on me that i should try meditating on the character of God for my quiet time (time to seek God)! started with 'A' today: Absolute, Amazing, Awesome, Almighty, Alpha & Omega, AND (inspired by waterdeep song), Able and Above all!! i have the help of a cool book, God from A-Z.. drew some of those attributes from it. God really is Amazing.. and as i meditated on some bible verses that demonstrated the attributes, i felt them sink in deeply and hit right home..to the heart, the spirit. "We cannot imagine the power of the Almighty, yet He is so just and merciful that He does not oppress us."-- job 37:23 (new living translation) to think that God who hates evil could have wiped us--this sin-sick planet--all out but no he doesnt! and sends april showers to remind us of his living mercies day by day.

had afternoon tea with becky today.. er, actually just ice-water..(it's the best drink on this planet!) lovely catching up after the easter break. she was telling me about christians in sport, this organisation/movement she learnt about thru' spring harvest seminar. she was asking me what i thought about setting up a bible-study support group for the footy team.. an unintrusive place where people in the team can learn about the bible, God and christian principles in sport.. hopefully, for non-C too.. now, this was exciting news to hear but i don't know why i wasn't all that excited? i mean, it's always been my dream to connect people to God thru' sport, soccer.. in a formal and organised way too.. and i wasn't sure how it was going to come about? but now as becky shares.. i was challenged in my faith and vision.. where had the passion gone? had i relinquished a bit of my dream? and i want to make a difference, u know, help people, help the needy, do something for world issues.. but why am i not really getting out there to do it? sigh, there are many things, it's hard to share fully.. and dreams.. i need to retrieve them from the dust.
make the most of every opportunity..living as the wise do.. for the days are evil-- eph 5.

it's been drizzling quite a bit recently. it just clicked that these are april showers! but before i compain, let me recall that wonderful lyric from les mis.. and rain will make the flowers grow. the following song, april showers, is by caedmon's call. wonderfully gifted band with a perceptive edge. check out da meaning of this song if you don't already get it! Like April showers on the slick cement When I consider how our light is spent Keeping the candles inside the cathedral Hold on tight, Don't go into the night So full of evil Rain rain don't go away We need you this dry and dusty day Rain rain don't go away Though some may say please go away Like the April Showers on the slick cement And the roads once straight have now become so bent Weaving through the trees of vain security Rounding round the hard rocks of hard morality And the sacred cows Feed on the green While the least of these Are dying on the streets And they're crying...

i am brimming with excitement at the prospect of sitting for a translation test i have hardly studied for. part of me feels guilty for not trying hard, and another says never mind since this is an unassessed test and it might not make a huge difference whether i studied hard or hardly but smart. i don't quite take to the idea of being tested on my ability to memorise middle english words. i guess coz they want us to read chaucer and the middle eng. poets in their unadulterated forms.. oh well, to me that is not really necessary. oh, another idea dawns. maybe there are more such texts in store for our 2nd and 3rd years and that's why they're laying the foundation now? noooooo. finding common ground with people is so vital to the negotiation of a relationship and it's not as hard as it first appears to be. there is a lot of common ground that we imperfect humans tread on daily. i remember one reason why i wanted to come to england to study was the desire to see evidence of our common humanity in our diversity. i knew it was there at the back of my mind, but i just had to experience it for myself. today my mind wandered back to a time in junior college, to an image, that for me, touchingly encapsulated our humanity. the grouchy, black-face librarian (hwa-chongnians would know) who hardly smiled or spoke kindly..slowly walking down the greyish stairs, presumably heading home after a day's work..she retrieves her old-model nokia phone (i think), checking for messages or perhaps looking at the missed call or switching the mode from silent to normal.. it may seem like nothing, but i will never forget this scene. at the time i saw it, my heart just swelled in profound pity. not merely for her, but for us all.. that image was a seemingly nonchalent showcase of our frailty. further examples? how about that day when the fiesty mp choked before all parliment? or a few hours ago when i gobbled down my dinner like one who hadn't eaten for days, or one without table manners! we are constantly reminded of our humanity.. so what? ..so we need the Divine.

there is beauty in simplicity.. freshness in the ordinary. went to church for the first time in three long weeks.. and God graciously spoke to me about many things, as if to make up for the 3 weeks without being in church! thank U Lord. (by the way, when we say Lord, is it all too often merely a form of address more than our heart's confession?) He spoke freshly of the familiar-- things i'd taken for granted. as usual, went to church without breakfast (because i usually tumble out of bed 10-15min before meeting time) and felt a little hungry halfway through. then i prayed that God would fill my hunger with His Word and that He'd silence my growling tummy.. which was amazing coz He did while i paid attention to the pastor. it was only when i started to think, "why am i not feeling hungry?", that the pang of hunger hit home again. oops. guess it's kinda like peter walking on water, about turning your eyes upon jesus. looking back, i think my mini-essay on friendship was probably one of my more depressing entries.. haha. i dunno, i feel very thankful now for all His blessings, for the pattern He is weaving in our lives.. sometimes God's gotta jerk you back to realise how you are so blessed. the good thing about misery is its exaggeration.. and the shimmer of its silver lining.

sometimes, i'm like fluffy.

kim and i have decided to hold regular cook-outs-- perhaps twice each week? what took us so long to come to this? but it should be swell. cooking for two's much easier than cooking for one when it comes to buying and storage of food and final pay-off for all the effort! and it'd be swell coz we can offer each other prayer support and fellowship too. remember, if you (dear reader) have any prayer requests, just let me know!!

i just got my baby today-- a babe of a camera: the sony cybershot dsc-p72! a 3.2 megapix one..just what i need to overcome the problem of weak resolution on my video cam. maybe i was a bit impulsive in buying it now? but sure hope it'd serve me well..this amateur photographer! (hope to go for a photography course back home but am so afraid that i'd feel forced to upgrade again! maybe not just yet!!) as i sit and type, i feel like i'm in a middle of a forest. (no, i don't quite mean the scattered piles of notes and books on my desk) for the first time since making my home here, i see the trees before me quite amply decorated with tiny green leaves. call me slow, i just noticed it today! that's how well we are into spring. and it seems as if they just sprung up while i was sleeping last night, or while i was hidden behind the curtain, buried in work or technology. it's so green, my eyes are not used to it! a lavish sprinkling of green-- is that what the fullness of life is about? :) restoration come, breathe new life in me (parachute band again). right, i'm keeping my curtains drawn to the side for inspiration's sake.

jen's top three bread spreads of the moment: 3)peanut butter and honey: traditonal favourite. this potent blend causes the honey to taste grainy and yummy. or is it the peanut butter that's granified by the honey? or do both spreads do it to the bread? tough questions, tough questions. 2)light soft cheese and strawberry jam: discovered this thanks to my german friend ellen who once made me eat hard german bread which i didn't exactly relish. she made me some soft cheese and jam bread before she left for germany (for good!). awww... 1)sunflower margarine and honey: rightfully at the top of the list. though it must be said that toasting the bread's the method here! nimble fingers needed to pinch the toast fresh from the toaster and spread it generously with healthy margarine (not butter!).. shouldn't wait for the bread to cool because the effect is lost that way. just as the butter, oops, i mean margarine, starts to melt, spread a little honey evenly. behold this piece of toast transformed into a swirling lake of gooey delight. you may even want to fold the toast in half and watch the warm liquid ooze out. take a hearty bite into crunchy goodness. (no apologies for making you hungry!)

remember when we sat, no, sank into the red plush chairs? with the world whirling by but all that enveloped us was the gracious freeze of time. we spoke of the world as if it was an aquarium of furious fish and we sat safely, smiling and sighing. over the coffee and baked potatoes hung our frenzied joys and questions and yearning to know and be known. and what do i have to remember all this by? just two photographs and a dream from time to time.

just had pizza and garlic bread (yea, the ones i crammed into the freezer! :P) and my moments of deep thought about nothing much.. did i ever tell you i'm a thinker? or maybe you know already. as in, not thinker as opposed to feeler coz i'm sure i'm more of a feeler though the thinker part of me has dominated more and more at times, but thinker as in someone who is often mulling.. seeking the winding corridors and pathways in the scattered remains of yesterday, the jumbled pieces of today and the perplexities of tomorrow. :) and today, i feel slighty heavy with certain thoughts i'll try my best to express in blogging..though i'd be the first to admit that i don't have all the answers. perhaps what i write may sound a little foolish and coloured (as it probably is, but no regrets?) and really disorganised and if so, please excuse me. actually, i've been thinking about it for some time already.. this great and small intricate wonder we call friendship. i'm sure this matters to almost every person in the world, even one who claims that it doesn't. friends came by so easily then.. you met in class, had recess together.. they chased away pigeons for you.. laughed at you, but it was all right coz they taught you to laugh at yourself.. and you only treasure them more when you've said goodbye.. you always felt you belonged somewhere, in the hearts of people. yet it is amazing how many friends you call friends but with whom you may share common experiences but little quality conversation. of course, what i call quality conversation is entirely subjective and may manifest in different forms-- from the serious heart-to-heart to the ribbing and more ribbing which is still a vital connection when you think about it. it is shocking to reflect and find that you hardly really talked to a friend who was in your little clique. cliques are interesting. there is the outer clique where people come together for a purpose of friendship, company and convenience.

Why is it that I don�t feel all that encouraged today, in this time and space I call England and the university of warwick? Don�t get me wrong.. there are people here I can call friends, but only in the more loosely conceived sense. If common experiences and frequent contact, aside from mutual attraction, are pre-requisites for solid friendships, then perhaps that explains it. That is why primary and secondary schools are good. And you may include junior colleges. Because students have a fixed time in school and are organised according to classes, this fosters close proximity and the flourishing of friendship. I mean, out of 30 or 40 in your class, surely there is at least one who is most like you? And even if not, there�s CCA. At University, you actually have to work to find good friends! And you may not even succeed at first! There are a few you are naturally attracted to but you still can�t say you�re close-close.. you know. (by the way, I hope you realise that �you� often means �me� in this rambling) Too many factors come into play.. did you ever wish it was easier! I may smile and look happy when I�m with people but somewhere deep inside, I�m just not satisfied. It�s not their fault. I�m just waiting. God�s given me soulmates I�ll always treasure..and these people may not even be reading my blog at all (but I understand and still love them).. Yet I really wish there was someone here today who could understand me and affirm me, to put it so simply. I still don't believe you can't have good close friends without being sucked into the pubbing and clubbing culture. I believe friendship happens, and you�ve got to work at it whether or not it feels like you�re working (mostly not!). I believe God makes all things beautiful, in His time.

but within the clique, the dynamics can be complex and shifting. the inner clique surfaces and we don't talk about it in the outer clique but everyone would surely recognise it exists. by inner clique, i mean people who establish more intimate friendships. look, even jesus had this experience! he was with the 12 disciples but there were a few closer friends he had like peter and john.. how priceless really the gift of a friend who can understand you and appreciate your true worth (in human terms). And it�s not even the length of time that you�ve known the person for, but the depth of relation and the intensity of mutual appreciation and communication that counts towards a firm relationship. Ever wondered what makes friendship happen? I�ve always wondered and it first struck me when I thought about a certain friend I have at uni whom I get along with but don�t quite know why?! Haha. Ever happened to you? Psychologists have studied this, under social psych. and it�s a really interesting study too. There�s the reinforcement theory, the social exchange theory and equity theory, all of which hold a great measure of truth. What attracts you to someone and not another? The halo effect�where you see a physically attractive person, this leads you to assume that he/she has many other good qualities too. (the idea behind a crush!) Then there�s the idea that you are attracted to people who are similar to you coz we are all basically narcissistic! Or rather, we look for affirmation for who we are in others. I quote somewhat: �Observing a similar attitude or personality trait in someone reinforces the belief in our own attitudes or personality, resulting in good feelings. These good feelings become associated with the someone, resulting in attraction.� That�s the reinforcement theory. The equity theory is interesting too.. telling us that individuals evaluate the success of a friendship on whether both parties are making equal investments into the relationship. If it is not the case, there may be loss of interest and the friendship would terminate. Ouch. Social exhange theory is about how we apply a cost-benefit analysis to friendship.. True, though we would shudder to think of our friendships in this light, using the crude terms of �cost� and �benefit�. But we�ve all been selfish creatures since day 1 and psychology affirms that.

why stay when you can run why run when you can hide why find comfort in the darkness when you have pleasure of the light why live for the moment when the moment's not enough and when you know full well it's made of insubstansial stuff

when you wake up in the morning what makes you stay when you can run you flirt with dark curtains shutting out the world you reach for cereal to compose your sanity and read on email the meaning in the mystery it's not that you've forgotten it's just that you ignored the world is tormented and you vaguely sympathise you search for images that would crystallise behind the greenish blackness comes the glimpse of light but what is it that makes you feel that it's raining inside?

you know that term's re-starting when you see tesco packed with people, vaguely recognisable faces, or just people you cleverly deduce to be students with their parents hovering around them. you know term's re-starting when you see that the 2-pint green milk (semi-skimmed) shelf is empty.. and when you've laboured endlessly to squeeze onion rings, pizza and two garlic bread baguttes into the exploding freezer.

happy easter! we celebrate a risen Lord. darkness couldn't keep Him, death couldn't hold Him.. Now He lives and in Him we live, move and have our being. Many people look at their situations and ask, "where is God?" or "God doesn't care". But the truth is Jesus' coming is a display of God's favour.. since the day He walked on earth, He's always been calling people back to Him.. Contrary to popular belief, He doesn't delight in punishing people. No one is excluded from God's divine favour. It is us humans who choose to reject the favour offered us, the mercy showed. Jesus doesn't show favouritism. He loves the world, u and i, with an everlasting and unquenchable love. isaiah 61 says He has come.. to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow upon them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair

Had dinner at 11ish after returning from the laundrette. By God�s grace I survived the walk back to my flat, with the wind blowing straight into me, chilling to the bones! Uk�s weather is really unpredictable. Past two days temperatures soared over 20 degrees. And the sun here is brighter than in Singapore. It was 6 degrees tonight but it sure felt close to 0! Post-dinner activity was reading my friends� blogs (as u are doing so now. Cheers!) Two at leeds were gushing over spring, just as I have been doing. Am amazed and thankful for the beauty of the seasons and the beauty in England. Spring is at my doorstep (well, almost!) and one doesn�t have to travel far to soak in the goodness of English scenery. After gaining travel experience in europe, (and don�t get me wrong, I certainly did enjoy my journeys) I realise what I really want from a holiday is good fun and rest. (or is it just now that it�s so? Hmm..) Which means spacing out holidays well too� of the right length.. not too long too. In fact, I don�t have to travel far to experience refreshing views. A trip to a simple and beautiful spot like lake d (Andrew, your 2 photos are gorgeous!), bath, Kenilworth, Stratford, the moorlands or cornwall (o I have heard much abt this place!) will really do.. weiwen has declared that �we are suckers for God�s creation�. I�ll probably express it differently but the idea�s there. :) If I don�t write a travelogue for italy (prob because it�s been recorded in some other ways already, or I�m just lazy and tied for time), I�d just like to mention bouboli gardens once again. The crowning glory of Florence and indeed, for the whole trip. Different shades of green of Tuscany pastures, dotted with little houses, castles, churches, blue-ridge mountains forming a wispy backdrop, streams of light generously lavished upon all creation. My mind was soothed, my spirit refreshed. That garden-top experience gave me the strength to go on. Heard this song that expresses how I feel o so well. May it speak to your heart just as it echoes mine.

All the earth will declare That Your love is everywhere The fields will exalt, the seas resound Hear the trees, joyful cry Praising u and so will I A new song I�ll sing Lord I�ll glorify and bless your holy name.. Having said all that, you don�t need to live in England or an incredibly scenic place to appreciate the beauty of each day. It resides in the small things, the precious moments, the little touches. There is beauty everywhere. He alone is everywhere. He is where you are. O, the beauty of each day.. to take note, to soak in and give away.. to commune with the Source, to give thanks�that�s the reason for this blog�s existence. That�s the reason for our existence.

the grass whisper in the wind--a wave declaring His glory. children sweeping the church, little hearts serving mightily. the birth of spring the breath of life the Lord has come the Lord has come to kenilworth on good friday.

a letter to some of my travelling companions in italy: ciao dear friends! hope the laundry's done by now! haha. my photos aren't uploaded, travelogue's unwritten, laundry's still in the bag, essays are unwritten, work's still waiting.. seriously don't quite know where to start!! :) but i think i'll begin here... i was reflectin on the trip last nite and todae..a little bit here and there i guess..and jez wanna share a bit with u. (spaghetti thoughts, don't mind!) everyone asks how italy was and it is hard to reply fully. my standard answer's "pretty good.. quite nice"... that's about as honest as it is summarised. really enjoyed ur company for the past 14 days.. and prob din appreciate it so much then as now... it came as an afterthought, haha! thank u for ur patience with me.. with the jen who loves to sleep in, the jen who wets the basin area, the jen who eats gelato with a style of her own. :) thanks for being gd companions guys..making the journey more worthwhile. the duomos were really quite cool (milan and florence stick in my mind) though churches bored me after a while (bearing in mind my trip to france and spain last dec). pizza and pasta were great, especially the seafood one (now if only i cld appreciate the clams and mussels as u do!) and seppiE!! (eliza...hinT hinT) thank God for the refreshing breaks (what i really really need in a holiday man!)..lazing around, listening to Him thru' His creation. and the view from the top of bouboli gardens will be indelibly etched in my memory. it's not the same as the footage or photos on my video cam-- it never will be. remember our little time of sharing in rome? where we talked a bit abt how we are all so different (jean and i agreed) while eliza focussed much more on the oneness and the similar wavelts etc. one big thing God's been teaching me with this trip (and indeed for uni life!) is the acceptance of others. it's to do with my pride (the big 'p' word)-- selfish ambition and vain conceit.. when His Word teaches us to live a life of looking to the interests of others and considering others better than yourself.. phillipians 2!! o really hope u can read this chp.. really powerful..it's about living a life of love, of servanthood..just like jesus. and i believe that as we live like that, and in oneness (jesus prayed that we wld be one, as he and the Father are one..and said that the world will know He is real when we love one another).. we'll be able to make an impact on the lives of pple on campus, especially the s'porean community (these ties do count i guess). i've sorta digressed (tho an impt digression).. hmm, i think i've tended to place expectations on others.. based on my close pals at home/uk.. and if someone doesnt seem to fit the mould i've mentally or emotionally created, i see them as friends and not good frens... (does this make any sense?) i'm sorry that i've taken people for granted.. taken u guys for granted at times. just wanna say that i've learnt something good from each of u.. thanks for being a blessing. right, now down to the specifics! :) weiliang, thanks for being such a good leader.. for using ur God-given ability to read maps and signs.. for carrying our barang barang.. for trying ur best to make sure everyone's needs are met..for considering others before self..for your generosity of spirit.. for reminding me of max lucado, and the joy of discovery, thirst for Him in ur reading adventures..it's been a great encouragment to me n many others to see ur growth in the Lord.. jean, thanks for the reminder to chill n have fun (but in a God-fearing way yea? :) ) for your honesty and desire for honest feedback.. for being interested in others and not just ur own affairs.. coz u ask abt others' lives n dun just talk abt urself all the time...keep that up yea..for bringing much fun to the grp with ur poser-ness..haha.. for being sporting and for making accomodations here and there..for the good of the grp.. cheers mate! eliza, thanks for being a cute little girl.. sweet-natured..u can't disguise it with a baritone voice.. haha.. for bearing with my splish-splash.. for your nice smiles n classic slash-jen laugh... :) for the good conversations we had.. for ur heart of compassion and giving (fishie, sun-glasses).. for relieving me of my complete aversion to mussles.. for reminding me of how we are so much the same..becoz we are one in Him.. hope this hasnt been too mushy for u guys..i jez wanted to let u know. :) 14 days of relaxation have flown by so quickly.. similar to the way time passes on a train journey.. i must say that the train journeys have been a memorable and enjoyable aspect of my trip.. (get to stare out into verdant and brown rolling hills, listen to the discman and the Spirit.. read, dream, sleep!) the lines of our earth, overhanging rail lines..reminds me of the journey of life, of rest, of abiding in Him always. and that brings great hope for days to come..no matter how stern the test, how busy our minutes.. we know where we're headed and whose strong hands we're in. steady on. lotsa love, jen :)

on the sars virus in hK: Management consultant Johnny Shum said: 'When I left my office one evening, I coughed to clear my throat. 'A young woman standing in front of me turned and her eyes were filled with utter terror. She quickly moved away.' when i read this i didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. well, actually my first reaction was to laugh. and then.. it's different reading the news and talking to family back home, where you get a better sense of the tension. the wariness that's upon all. right, i'll be off to italy.. back on the 16th. with more tales to tell, o the grace to tell this tale. the Lord bless you, the Lord bless and keep you safe from harm.

the world is in a sad state. SARS spreads faster than the time you take to pronounce it (you know what it stands for? Schools Are Remaining Shut. my mum says, 'Schools Are Re-opening Soon'. hopefully for everyone's feeling restless). my heart plunges as another suicide bomber plunges from the big blue sky? notice the incongruity. i just realised that i am against the war. well. truth is, for every kind deed sown there is another evil plot hatched in the furrows of the heart, the seat of desire, and desire grown awry. we've been at war from day one and that's b.c. bushie wants to liberate the human race. he won't do it. he can't do what only He can. there is a day that all creation's waiting for.. a day of freedom and liberation for the earth.. and on that day, the Lord will come to meet His Bride.. and when we see Him in an instant we'll be changed sars just takes one active agent carrier to infect countless others, globetrotters and all.. never underestimate the power of one. reminds me of what it means to be a contagious christian. but that's in a good sense of course. you may be a christian and if so, be encouraged to yield your little life to Him for He's the grower of the seed, the multipier of the blessing. and as He does it through u, see that He's doing it through countless others, nudge your brethen o spur him/her on. let's have this world catch the holy infection. if you're not a christian, i hope you're not shocked excessively by these strong words.. then again, if you're reading this, you probably have a better idea of who i am than the general population or an average acquaintance and hence would not be shocked. if you're not a christian, will you take up the challenge of pondering about the faith? man has tried to solve the world's problems from day one but where's the final solution (hitler was so obviously wrong)? he has only come to realise that he is but man. surely there is some purpose behind this knitting together of skin and bone. and it is our duty, our quest to seek it. jesus christ walked upon this earthen sod, skin and bone. it was His quest to call us home. (do drop me a line in any convenient way if you want to discuss this further. use the guestbook private function if you wish) forgive me for my wordiness-- i am just a bit overwhelmed today. not downcast because my hope is in Him. i pray yours will be too. so lift your eyes to the things that are yet unseen.. that'll remain now for all eternity.. though trouble's hard it's only momentary.. and it's achieving our future glory..

the Lord reminded me today that what really matters in my work is the attitude, spirit, effort and reliance upon Him that i bring into it. the result is secondary. what lies beneath it is what matters. new discoveries, divine mercies-- my joy along the way. we are so busy trying to get there that we forget that there are mountain tops to admire, sweet flowers to smell, wisdom in the signs, grace in the gravel and love for the journey.

i've been trying out different hairdos.. got my hair dyed blonde with a wispy fringe. when i sent my mum the photo, she apparently was disgusted. and my sis said i looked disfigured. (talk about kindness from kin!) but i guess it's fine so long as i like it. it's no-risk, free and virtual anyway. as a result of my online tinkering, mental images now unfold most hauntingly as i close my eyes to think. and yes, i've realised that even though my same old cut may be boring, it is still the best. we've sought a dozen and one identities.. oh when will we return to who we are in You?

the glow of sunshine an ice-cream or two precious moments shared with you.

read all about my football tour experience! click on the link 'jen's travelogue'!

thanks scott for these great lyrics. (check out the song at cmradio.net: may i have this dance by scott krippayne) may i have this dance may i lead you across the floor may i take your hand and spin you around, around once more may i hold you close and before this singing is through may i have this dance with you scott wrote the song for his 2-year old daughter who loves to dance and would often ask daddy to dance with her. he envisioned his daughter all grown-up and would want to sing such a song to her on her wedding day. aww..how sweet.

some words from the Master strategist: The human mind may devise many plans, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will be established-- prov 19:21(NRSV) "You meant evil against me; but God meant it for good"-- gen 50:20 (NKJV) Living in the day of war, bloodshed, sin and poverty unravels our senses. 'Tis a timely reminder that history is not circular and cyclical, spiralling in endless repetition. There is one who is directing the human show. Like Adam and Eve, we have chosen but He's still in control. "See I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse-- the blessing if you obey the commands of the Lord your God that I am giving you today; the curse if you disobey the commands of the Lord your God and turn from the way.."-- deut 11:26-28 (NIV)

it's so beautiful it's so beautiful. we beat derby 19-0! did u know that bebo grows on you? as the deer panteth for the water.. i thirst i thirst. U FOUND ME! o i know a luminous halo that knows no end. welcome to my boom boom room. arthur:: 12-mid Knight..look beyond what you see. black sky turning blue:: simply beautiful. all things welsh and wonderful. covered by love, carried by grace.. i can't live without U. ~msn nicks that have seen me through the seasons of life~

it's amazing how my last mintue work ethics still remain. o but the immense relief of ending my term with essay handed in.. king arthur:: 12 mid-Knight to 7am! the subject of divine grace in the Faerie Queene.. the Light (christian music radio station..check out my link) truly lightened the labour (o there were some magnificent lyrics that i almost squeezed into my essay! there was something about may i have this dance with you), and unexplainable, inexpressible joy carried me through the hours. the dawn of a new day being crowned by last words. black sky turning blue ::with gradually lightening hues:: simply beautiful! and printer worked! (thanks shiling for the cleaning advice and thank U GOD!) o i know Your grace has seen me through. so thankful so thankful. praise U.

i confess my need of You You're my God how could i live without You i surrender mortal dreams and plans my life my path guided by Your hands and i confess my need of You You're my God how could i live without You i surrender mortal dreams and plans my times are in Your hands yes, my times are in Your hands. just a little song of confession i recorded today. inspired by psalm 31 and 32.

i didn't know a hug could feel so good. well, it did.. coming from you.

there's this story of an austrian ski resort where people go to for a winter retreat. one by one they line up and take the cable-car lift to the ski peak. amidst the breathtaking grandeur of snow-capped mountains, the 'ooo's and 'ahh's float about in the cold air. and all the world is white glitter while the mind can hardly comprehend what the eye has just begun to see. by the ski lift sits a dotted figure-- the man who has been operating the lift for about ten years now. padded figures and their exclamations he considers the hum of routine. he is studiously bending over a book, reclining in the backdrop of the majestic austrian peaks. have i ever told you? there's this story of wonderment.. and of wonder lost.

played notts 2nd team today. how did we manage to lose 2-1 yet again to a team we could well have beaten!! had a weak start but gathered strength and pace as the game went on..speaking for myself and my team-mates. some good passing and dribbling in the 2nd half especially. i didn't score but made a dribble that led to our opening goal that sent notts raging at us midway of the 2nd half. but perhaps the highlight was at the end of the match when becky (who played for warwick 1st team ag. notts 1sts) introduced me to the two notts players she met at cu (christian union) away day training for cu leaders.. vicky and jo! and they were the ones who were marking/playing against me in the match! cool.

they looked like they just fell from the sky. yellow, red, purple, blue and green sprouted overnight, colours of spring planted by hand unseen. it's so beautiful it's so beautiful i'm screaming on the inside. i want to lay me down on verdant green and face the starry sky. and as i sleep i dream and silently i scream u're beautiful u're beautiful i want to be with U. and wake upon the morning dew with colours fresh and new.

natasha gave me 70 for my luminous halo (aka assessed woolfian essay)... cause for rejoicing and pleasant bewilderment (to say the least!).. thought i wasnt being coherent enough-- thank God she thought the opposite! literature is like a box of chocolates.. you never know what u're gonna get.

this has got to be one of my best wkends ever. food, good company, powerful gospel concert, exciting footy match and managed to 'complete' work due tmrw! :) praise the Lord. had chinese buffet at oriental star at leamington for just over 6 quids! woo-hoo.. satay chicken, sweet and sour pork, beef in black bean sauce, salt and pepper chicken wings, lemon chicken, pita with lamb curry, chao mian, rice noodles, ice cream and cake.. u get the idea!! then followed rev... which i kinda described in my prev. entry. worthington cup (misnomer!!)-- man u vS liverpool at bar with pals.. suffice to say that we pitied pool and let them win the mickey mouse cuP! cooked ikan bilis soup with pak choi and chicken breast and mee fen for dinner tonight..excellent-o!!! tasted like yu pian mee fen! so sweet n salty! cooking the same thing for friends on thur... can't wait! haha.. this time, with fish fillet!

dancing in the dark. i was dancing in the dark of the theatre.. in the back row. swaying to the melody of jubilation. what made it more amazing was that everyone stood up for the last song which said praise the Lord as u clap ur hands and that's what the 300 strong crowd was doing in a theatre! 3 cheers for revelation-- warwick rock gospel choir. a thunderous applause that rings to the heavens. a night in which joy filled the hall.. and found its way into some empty, sin-scarred hearts.

me (to ellen): but i must say that you and other germans give me a very good impression of germany.. well, at least those whom i've met at warwick.. they're all very nice people. becky: hmm.. me (to becky): do you know what i mean? becky: o yea, they're a lot nicer than the english people. ellen (to becky): no, i think you're quite nice.

dear twiX, you're what i want when i'm sitting in the laundrette with a book and an itchy mouth.

you declared how impressed you were that i was on time today. and later threatened to put the blame on me if there were no more biscuits left.. coz we were slow to get to the counter. those little jokes at my expense you hadn't made quite so often before are the little things u say that touch me. and finally, the playful, friendly tap on my arm to say have a good easter if i don't see you before easter (why wouldn't i see you before easter i wonder!). is it a new sunday mood you've acquired or signal of our new intimacy?

this is a painful decision. to say goodbye to downloaded music (that infringes on copyright laws), movies etc. to delete. to withdraw from this 'normal and acceptable' way of life among the tech-generation. my conscience has been pricked then numbed then pricked then numbed.. but U've made it clear with Romans 13 about submission to the authorities and the law of the land. and my conscience agrees. it may not be murder or some heinous crime. but at the end of the Day, it's the little things that count.

Your voice like thunder that hits me like a bolt; Your Word a whisper that swells my heart. i got 65 for my first assessed essay returned to me y'day. oh well. looks like i have to work harder and smarter for the next one to make up for it. no, it really isn't too bad..2nd upper..but still, that streak of excellence in me. oh well. and it's counted towards the end of year mark! it's counted.. and yet, it isn't counted towards my final degree mark (only 2nd and 3rd year assessed essays count).. but then again, what truly counts? it is U, jesus, it is U. Thy kingdom, thy power, our relationship.. all that's of eternal value.. thank U Lord for reminding me what truly counts in light of this marks issue.. what truly counts, in the light of U.

"life is not a series of gig lamps symmetrically arranged; life is a luminous halo, a semi-transparent envelope surrounding us from the beginning of consciousness to the end." -- Virginia Woolf The writer comments on the interiority of each person's existence, and the 'stream of consciousness' style employed only serves to emphasise the prevalent isolation in human life. Clever people don't always get it right though. Especially when it comes to the ultimate meaning of the luminous halo. Listening to Point if Grace's song, Circle of Friends has freshly inspired me. To dwell upon the overwhelming thought that we who know the Lord are ALL connected... with one Father, one Love, one Prayer.. And when the Day comes we shall gather together (no matter how many days we've not seen each other) in a BiG FAMiLY REUNiON! and that blows my mind. Creator, Connector..we praise You for this luminous halo without end.. for the beauty of this circle of friends.

Circle of Friends from "Life, Love and Other Mysteries" We were made to love and be loved But the price this world demands will cost you far too much Spent so many lonely years just trying to fit in Now I've found my place in this circle of friends In a circle of friends, we have one Father In a circle of friends, we share this prayer That every orphaned soul will know, and all will enter in To the shelter of this circle of friends If you weep, I will weep with you If you sing for joy the rest of us Will lift our voices too But no matter what you feel inside there's no need to pretend That's the way it is in this circle of friends In a circle of friends, we have one Father In a circle of friends, we share this prayer That we'll gather together no matter how the highway bends I will not lose this circle of friends Bridge: Among the nations, tribes and tongues We have sisters and brothers And when we meet in heaven We will recognize each other With joy so deep and love so sweet Oh, we'll celebrate these friends And life that never ends In a circle of friends, we have one Father In a circle of friends, we share this prayer That it will not be long before all will enter in To the shelter of this circle of friends That it will not be long before all will enter in To the shelter of this circle Of friends

i felt life ebbing away with each breath. due was the moment of death in its surprise package of an unjustified gunshot delivered by my sister. oh do u know the turmoil in my soul. but death would be less painful than torture. and over quickly. at least as i imagined or saw from the action in movies. where would i end up then? and would it the end, for good? fear wildly forged in the teeming moments of expectancy. wiping away the rolling tears, saying the goodbyes and i-love-yous hurt more than the final moment. but it didn't come. and then i stumbled out of bed. my heart still pounding (and thank God it was) from the nightmarish drama. awake-- awakened once again to confess my faith. o great God, will You forgive me for doubting? for u've set eternity in the hearts of man and promised me Heaven with Thee! in Christ alone i'll thus confess: there in the ground His body lay light of the world by darkness slain then bursting forth in glorious Day up from the grave He rose again and as He stands in victory sin's curse has lost its grip on me for i am His and He is mine bought with the precious blood of Christ no guilt in life no fear in death this is the power of Christ in me from life's first cry to final breath jesus commands my destiny no power of hell no scheme of man can ever pluck me form His hand till He returns or calls me home here in the power of Christ i'll stand! --'In Christ Alone' by Stuart Townend--

O the wonders of sambal It's that wicked touch you add to fried salmon and chilli kangkong, Stirring up the memories of home With potent smell inviting sneezes. O the power of sambal That reduces great men to tears And o how it fills us On this cold winter's eve'ng.

Life can be ironic. Just after writing to a friend who was discouraged, i felt the same way too. And the advice i gave her was what i myself need to hear and hold close to right now.

funnily enough, it doesn't take a lot to satisfy me. aside from the necessary bits to get through a day, give me an alarm clock with snooze button, the ability to finally wake up and get to class just in time, good friends and good conversation, personal emails, playing my favourtie cds-- worship, folk (eg; bebo!), job satisfaction : fun with work, being able to finish the reading for seminar (!), successful completion of essays, the warmth of good company in the cold, hunger well satisfied, to know i can, will and have made a difference, football matches n fellowship n good performances, fascinating theatre, church fellowship, being with people of like-minded vision, passion, interests, my hot shower at the end of the day. but underneath all that, and you can strip it all away, let me find my one pulse, one centre, one treasure of the purpose of living-- the sweet sweet love of jesus (o how he loves u and me)... and the glory due His name.

in uk, the average singaporean student social life consists of eating out, communal feasting (cooking up a storm!), after-dinner games, playing of cards, watching the movie that everyone's been waiting for, chatting on icq and msn messenger, watching vcds/dvds, going on shopping trips, shopping for groceries at tesco, sainsbury or chinese supermarket, hanging out in each others' halls/houses, celebrating birthdays with midnite sabo, taking the occasional trip away, going out for snowball fights when the snow has freshly fallen.

a little something i wrote a few weeks back: Sorry I didn�t get your name I wanted to a month ago But in the classroom rush You had to remain a nameless lady Sorry I didn�t get your name Start of term at arts centre You smiled and gently spoke To my ears that would not hear, at first How do you spell that (forgive my bluntness) E-l-o-i-s-e Ah I will remember now If not by letters Then by sound.

poor poor wyatt..like a bird in a cage, chained in court morality, longing to be free.. in his art he sought liberation and catharsis for the tortured remains of his soul.. but only upon death was the poet made whole.

when i'm with You i need to forget time. i know i know.. the world will go on, in its frenzied turns (even in england) we're dictated by bus times, train times, dinner time and bath time. alarm clock ticking as my heart is beating (it's true, i've felt it) so teach me to number my days, that i may gain a heart of wisdom. for no one else in history is like You and history itself belongs to You my time, my life, i surrender to You help me be a good steward, doing what You've called me to. but when i'm with You remind me to be still To be lost and found in You.. when i'm with You i need to forget time.

skipped elim student cell today on account of wyatt and virgil. was supposed to do welcome (ice-breakers) and felt kinda bad abt pushing it off at the last mo. claire (3rd year student at warwick, helping to lead the cell) texted me to ask if i could make it, adding that there was no pressure at all when i told her how my work was pressing. when i finally excused myself (being at peace with it), she texted to say 'i know what it feels like'. i guess i needed to hear that? then later she wrongly sent me a text message that was meant for debbie, saying 'jen can't make it tonight, so i prepared welcome, hope it's ok...'. then followed another text as she realised her mistake..'so sorry! that was meant for debbie, i'm so silly. Love C'. no claire, you're not silly. you're lovely.

two of my seminar tutors called me jenny today. jennifer's a really common name in england as is jenny coz most jennifers want to be known as jennys. not withstanding the fact that there are 2 other jennifers in my seminar group (that makes 50 percent of the grp jennifers..an amazing statistic!), i was quite shocked when my tutor suddenly asked, 'jenny, what do u think?' with her eyes fixed on me. it took me a while for me to answer really! a few hours later, another tutor called me jenny, to whom i replied 'just shocked' in response to the topic we were discussing (levi's possible suicide)..but there you have it-- double shock. if you're going to shorten my name, please remember it's jen. :) it was freezing during training. and to think i only wore a shirt! meant to put on my club hoodie but thought i wld be tough enough! sarah (scottie) was really sweet (such sacrifice!!!) to lend me her white gloves and since they contrasted with the black top i wore, she said i looked like charlie chaplin. had a great session. won almost every challenge i went into, be it as attacker or defender. glad i went for training anyway. (i was debating if i shld go after lecture at 6pm..with training half over) it's always good to see the gals! not to mention play some football. took the long walk home with sally (math kid!) who was passionately discussing her love for probability.

i remember it in a somewhat vague yet vivid form. we were outside the library block. you seemed to be wearing the blue jacket like you so often do..and we were walking and talking, pushing each other around in good jest..generally having a good time. i was happy, and i suppose you were too. it was like something from a photograph. but just as sunlight filtered through the thick dark curtains, so we slipped away.. into the waking hour of a new day.

this thought has occured frequently to me, in different shapes and circumstances but the essence remains the same. this is the form it took today-- the first step to being content is to recognise that nothing on earth can make man content. in spite of all we enjoy, nothing really satisfies the soul. only You Lord, only You.

just came back from a sumptuous 11-course dinner at chun ying garden in birmingham organised by the singapore society. pleasantly surprised at the number of locals and europeans who came along. prayed for good fellowship (food was expected to be kinda good) and thank God for it too! :) got to know this german gal called julia.. now i have so many german friends! she takes english lit as well, but as an exchange student from germany..just like ellen and daniela. foodwise we enjoyed sze chuan spicy and sour soup, spring rolls, squid fritters, chinese cabbage, roast duck, sea bass with ginger and lovely sauce, fried tofu with mushrooms, prawns and squids with blackbean sauce, sweet and sour pork(!), mandarin oranges and red bean soup... and rice counted as one course. hmmph. well we did have fun as a table, mounting the stage to belt out karaoke songs...boy, the first we sang (hit me baby one more time) awfully! in an effort to redeem ourselves, we chose the more sing-able i want it that way.. yea, cheesy pop that we all love to sing.. well, most of us anyway! we resisted the temptation to sing another tune so as to spare pple's eardrums and to avoid having mandarin oranges hurled at us. crowned the evening with collective singing of top of the world and a long yum-seng (we still do it here!). even as i type this i'm hungry and munching on custard cream biscuits.

chinese new year in england. planned to stay home with primo levi and his gripping tale of auschwitz. unfortunately, or fortunately, received two unexpected guests who stayed for a total of 5 hours i reckon!! first, kaifeng came with an ice-CREAM (yes, very creamy.. makes me wonder if it is all cream..) and that was really quite sweet of him. got to know my senior buddy a bit better-- what a sentimental fella! jierong came later with two mandarin oranges to bai nian. i was pretty amused at the thought of him going from house to house with his bag of oranges! we had a good chat and he told me his exciting police stories (yea, he served in the police force instead of the army). we had dinner past 11pm.. master chef jierong cooked yummy fried rice with crabstick and egg and mince beef and vege. hmm.. last night i told daniel i was heartless. coz he told me abt how he felt kind of depressed being away from his family at cny. and i must admit i have none of those feelings at all! it doesn't feel incredibly cny-ish and i'm not craving for pple bck home all that much... hey, so am i heartless or just highly adaptable?

you may wonder why i have chosen to join the burgeoning online diary community, spewing out thoughts ala bridget jones' style. :) i quote oscar wilde for this one: "on an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. it becomes a pleasure." well, sometimes one can't help but surrender to technology.